This Actually Happened...

If you go out on a traffic stop with your FTO and he is standing on the sidewalk waiting for you to finish, for such a long time that a snail crawls up his pant leg, leaving a big long silvery trail on his navy blue uniform, I think it would be appropriate to offer to pay his dry cleaning bill.......

I'm in Love With a Cop

As a cops wife, there are so many times, all I can do to help Chris deal with a tragic call, is listen. (I can just hear him reading this and telling me, he doesn't need any help!) I think being a police dispatcher, and understanding on some level what he is going though day to day, is a really good thing. But sometimes I can do something to make my husband feel better. I have been with my husband for nine years and back when he was an active Marine and we were younger, (when we got married, he was 19, I was 21), I really sucked at being "there" for him. I wasn't mean, I was just a space cadet, wrapped up in my own little world, I guess, (Luckily I was a little hottie, so that hopefully made up for it a bit.) Now that he is a cop, I try to learn from how lame I was before, and do all I can to be there for him. He is not a big talker with most people, but he does tell me things. The best thing I can do for him is listen and not comment. Sometimes that is very hard for me; it is something I have to actively refrain from doing. That and also I have a touch of ADD so I have to concentrate and focus. That being said, when there are those rare times, I feel I can actively do something to help, I really want to do it. A recent example:

Danger is 11 months old and he and I had plans, just the two of us, for a gold old-fashioned road trip, to go visit the grandparents, south of us. Plans made waaaaaaay in advance. Days before we were set to leave, Chris' assisted on an fatal traffic accident. When he arrived the mom was running back and forth in traffic holding her dead baby, screaming for Chris and the other officer to save him. A baby that was just a couple of months older than Danger. I was surprised Chris shared this with me, and I did the only thing I could think of to put his mind at ease and sooth him, even if just a little. Danger and I took the train. I hope it helped.

I Had the Right To Remain Stupid

I got pulled over by one of my own officers...sort of. I made a left turn out of the Crap in the Box even though "Right Turn Only" was posted. I saw the sign, but I thought, who is going to notice at 3:45 in the morning? My Officer, noticed. He pulls up beside me and does the universal hand motion for "Roll-your-friggin' window down" realizes it's me and rolls his eyes as he speeds off. Oops.

Get Me a Rolling Chair and a Big Gulp---Stat !

I have to take a physical. Again. Last physical I took to become a dispatcher at EPD was ridiculous. I am not talking the drug screen and the deep knee bends, I mean the fact that I had to run on a treadmill, at a 45 degree incline for 5 minutes. Now, I am going to go out on a limb here and say, I don't think there will ever be a time that I, as a dispatcher will be in a foot pursuit. You want a real dispatcher physical? Give me a chair with wheels and watch how fast I can roll from one console to the next. Give me a 44oz Super Big Gulp from 7-11 and watch the epic amount of time I can "hold it." Make me lift 5 pound DOJ handbooks, or give me 100 sunflower seeds to shell in 2 minutes, but a treadmill, puh-leeze!

Fore !

If you are going to try and out run the police can you not do it in a stolen golf cart? You had to know we would catch you, that thing topped out at like 15 miles per hour.

Allow Myself to Explain.....Myself

I previously called myslf a free agent, I am afraid I am not as cool as that implies. I used to work for "Wonderful PD" from here on out "WPD" but I was laid off due to budget issues. WPD is so awesome that they called over to their sister city "Evil PD" (EPD) and asked them to give me a job. I then became per diem (hourly) at WPD and full time at EPD. After almost dying giving birth to Danger, I stepped down from FT at EPD and now per diem for them as well. The drive is way too far to work as many hours, as I have been lately, so after an amazingly long backgrounds, I was just hired at "Close to Home PD" (CPD) this Friday. That is if I can pass the Psych and medical. I used to live really close to Evil and Wonderful PD but we could not afford to buy a house in this area so right before Danger was born, last August, we moved 75 miles away. So after that massively long version of why I call myself a free agent it all comes down to: because starting in September I will work for three different PDs. Ironically I still work FT most weeks but now I work whenever I want, I take whole weeks off without having to sign up for it and I make more per hour, than I did as FTer. I am very lucky my husband's PD has amazing health care coverage. EPD and WPD share a radio frequency so sometimes I call the units each others identifiers, but not too often. WPD and EPD also have identical CAD systems and phone systems, so besides knowing where the heck I am, it is very easy to go back and forth between the agencys. Here comes the confusing part. CPD's only shared feature with the other two PDs is they all use Vesta phones. Not only do they use completely different computers, they do not use 10 codes. Not even 10-4! They use 9 codes. So beginning in September I will share with you how difficult it is to work at such absolutely different places at the same time. Oh, I forgot to mention EPDs comm center got sold out to a different agency so after about November, I will only work at WPD and CPD.
When I came from Huge PD (HPD) to WPD originally, it was very hard to learn to multi-task. Answering the radio, business lines and 911 seemed absolutely impossible the first month or two, but I got it now. I think it is harder to go from one agency to the next than to start fresh with no previous experience, because I have ingrained habits that I've had to break. Also I have found that my previous experience has worked against me with some officers. They want to know why I am not up to speed immediatley since I have done the job before. Also EPD officers don't like WPD officers, so some were mean to me at first because I came from there. Petty! Anyone else's agency ever feel like High School? Well, hope that explained some stuff. Til later!

Define Irony....

Does anyone else find the following ironic: I am driving the 75 miles to work tonight and every few moments I notice giant ELECTRIC signs, normally used for Amber Alerts, that say:

FLEX YOUR POWER CALIFORNIA
SAVE ENERGY

Hmm.... 20 plus billboards with about 200 tiny light bulbs lit up on each one..... Well I think I know where some of the CA energy crisis is coming from!!!!

10851-DERFUL

If you steal a vehicle from your fellow AA member, and then when you are finished with it you drop it near his house, don't assume he won't notice it sitting there and think that you can get away with stealing it again. And if you do steal the vehicle again, don't do it right in front of your fellow AA member. This nincompoop, stole the vehicle, returned it and then stole it again all within 24 hours, only the second time the victim was standing nearby, saw it happen, chased the suspect and vehicle down the street. One of our Units driving by sees the victim pulling the suspect from the vehicle, pummelling the guy and then the vicitm jumps into his own veh. Unfortunately not having been included in the goings on, the unit thinks he is witnessing a carjacking and throws the registered owner to the ground. Whoops. Not to worry, it was all worked out in the end. Well for us and the victim, anyway!

PS. I am working graves tonight an shoot howdy it is busy! I had an RP call admit the only reason he was reporting these Js on the corner was because they were "colored" and "well, we just don't normally see that kind of person around here" !!! Oh my gosh, sir? You dropped your white pointy hat! You better watch out your inner Klan is showing!! I explained that term was not appropriate, but it was like talking to a brick wall. Note to brick wall: Sorry for the insult. Some people are just plain stoopid.

I Got A Little Carried Away

In CA all cell phone calls used to go directly to the CHP. Ah, those were the days. Now all cell phone calls (are supposed to), go to the agency closest to the location of the tower. Yeah right. We are constantly getting other agencies 911 cells, and other agencies are constantly getting ours, but the worst are when we get CHPs. Why? Because you can be on hold upwards of 5 minutes waiting for a 911 call to be answered. My personal record on hold with CHP was 12 minutes. It is mostly because soooo many callers are calling about the same accident. I digress, a caller reported a pile up on the 101 and then hung up before I could transfer her to CHP. Great, I thought, now I have to wait on hold forever. Maybe someone else had already called it in, but you never know. So after 6 minutes on hold I am imagining the scene of the accident in my head, thinking of how it looks and what is going on, and how there are maybe no units onscene yet, and in my head it is getting bigger and more dramatic by the minute....

And finally:

CHP: Where is the location of your emergency

Me: Hi, this is Rebecca with EPD, and I have to report a 6 car pile up!

CHP: Oh my goodness, where???

Me: Wait, wait, wait, I totally made that up, let me start over.

CHP: Made it up? (Sounding confused) What do you mean?

Me: Actually the caller said it was just two vehicles, but I was on hold so long, my imagination took over, I am sorry.

CHP: (Laughing really hard) Well, that is why we do what we do, because we have great imaginations right?

Oh my gosh, thank goodness she had a sense of humor, but boy was I embarrassed!

Perhaps I Should Have Screened That One Better...

Sometimes when it is really quiet here late at night, and 911 rings, I get all amped up. I have been known to throw my book across the room and yell, "911 WHAT IS YOUR EMERGENCY" . Then there are calls like this last one.

Me: 911 emergency

Caller: (Panting out of breath) He-is-getting-away!!!!!

Me: Sir, who is getting away? (Thinking, oh this should be a good one, I toss my smut tabloid mag down, sit up straight, adjust my headset, and wait for the unfolding drama)

Caller: I am at Bobson and Julip and he is hiding here, in the backyard, (frantic) I need help.

Me: What city are you in? (My pulse spikes because he is on a cell phone so I only have the cell tower location and I do not recognize the location.)

Caller: I am in (neigboring city)

Me: OK let me get you to the right agency's 911 line

Caller: Hurry!

Me to Other PD: EPD with a cell phone transfer, caller has an emergency at Bobson/Julip, go ahead sir.

Caller: (Panting) I am chasing my cat, and he is getting away!!!!

Not only is that a total adrenaline dump, the other agency thinks I am a complete horses ass. Thanks Mr. Inappropriate-Use-Of-911-Caller-Guy.

But We are Supposed to Be the Smart Ones....

OFF DUTY ACCIDENTAL DISCHARGE: An officer at my husband's agency accidentally shot himself in the foot and then claimed his dog did it...He says while the gun was shoved down the front of his pants, without a holster (a warning sign right there...), his dog jumped on him and pulled the trigger. A trigger with about a 2 1/2 pound pull, by the way...How lame! Didn't he get the memo that "the dog ate my homework" variations, just don't cut it in the adult world??? All the officers on his shift are chipping in for a dog muzzle.

Bonehead Criminal of the Day

If you are going to rob a convenience store, and the employee catches and throttles you, when you are lucky enough to break free, make sure you take your getaway car with you.

Moron left his personal vehicle with all his information inside of it, in the parking lot and was caught just a few hours later on foot.

If the criminals were smart, we wouldn't catch them.

Bonus Dumbass: My pastor's bills were all stolen out of his mailbox and a suspect "washed" all of the checks and cashed them. Idiot used his real name and was easily tracked down within days.

OK, it Sucks, but it is a Little Bit Funny....

One of my traffic units, we shall call her Officer Tom to protect the innocent, got injured on the job this week. I am sure it would be cool for her if when explaining her injury, she had an amazing tale to tell, full of car chases, foot pursits and daring take downs. She, does not however. Here goes what really happened:

In front of several other units, Officer Tom, closed her hand in the patrol car door, pinching a nerve, causing a pain so great she blacked out, fell down, struck her head on the pavement and received a concussion. It is unfortunate she wasn't on her motorcyle that day, as she would have been protected by her helmet...The only permenant damage was the massive blow to her ego.

Oh boy, I guarantee the ribbing she is getting, from her fellow officers is far more painful than that concussion!

647F'd

We just caught a guy outside a bar for being drunk/disorderly. He had just gotten released from county 2 hours before after serving 109 days for....being drunk....and disorderly. Are these people incapable of learning???

Sometimes, I Not Speak Too Good...

I think the "radio click" is universal as a sign of laughter. I looooove earning a click or two, I admit. Here are some of my more embarassing dispatch snafus

"Suspect is on Viagra street....correction, Niagra."

"The suspect is..... attempting to have relations with the hood of the vehicle...."

"The Christmas tree in the road is going Northbound."

"Same J's from earlier tonight....and the mayhem continues..."

"The RP is complaining of....(huge keyed mike pause while I frantically try to think of, how to say this) ..........explosive diarrhea....."

"Noise complaint; Flute player on the corner playing badly--correction loudly."

Me: A22 please respond--AAACCKKKKK (me, choking) stand--by--please...
Officer answers: (Laughing really hard) Standing by.....
Me: I am OK now.... continuing on....
(I had choked on a peanut. If I had dialed 911, I would have gotten myself....)

My personal favorite moment of shame:

Thinking I was typing to a room full of radio dispatchers I typed:
"Anyone need a quickie?" (our name for bathroom breaks)
Turns out I sent that message out over the MDTs to over 30 police officers.....Nice.
I got so many messages back our system got flooded. Mostly confused, "Whaat???"

So I go down to the Watch Commander's office and share the above story with my favorite LT, and he says, "That's nothing, I heard there was this one dispatcher who didn't know her mike was keyed, and she was going on and on about her Friday night plans!" I replied, "Um...yeah that was me too, and it was my Saturday night plans, truth be told." He just shook his head.

I am not the only one. Our guys key their mikes all the time. Recently one keyed and you could hear the officer plain as day say, "Man that last lady was STUUUPID!" Yikes. Glad I'm not the only one!

Lizzard Wranging

This just in:

Caller: Can you send me an officer, I am having a problem with a lizzard in my living room.
Me: With a lizzard?
Caller: Yes I was thinking maybe you could send me an officer to help corral the thing.
Me: (Very gently because this caller sounds very, very old and I have a soft spot for elderly callers) Well, um, quite honestly I'm not really sure what an officer could do to help with a lizzard...
Caller: Well, yeah....I was thinking they could lend some moral support.....

I ended up sending an officer. What can I say, every now and again, I am a just a big softy.