ME! Hard at Work. Solving Crises. Fighting Crime. Life and Death Matters.

"No, no ma'am... Ma'am? As a matter of fact I do NOT want to hear all about the bowel movements of your cat."

Not Too Bright

A man just had his 4 year old call 911 so that he could "teach [his] son the appropriate usage of 911." ....By inappropriately using 911... Brilliant.

Geeeez! Grow Up!

Geez, honestly I sometimes think people are incapable of acting and thinking intelligently, without outside assistance. This guy and girl got into a verbal 415. In an act of defiance, the female locked their baby in the vehicle. What that was supposed to prove, I am not sure. Anyway we go out, play a game of He said She said, and in the end dole out copious amounts of advice, that will go unheeded. From what I gathered She had His tools, and He wants them back now that they are no longer together. Officer C told them to exchange them amicably when they are both able to at a neutral location. So just now, He calls me and says, "I am outside your police station, waiting for Her to bring me my tools, is that OK?" I answered, "Um, yeah, unless Officer C told you to not have contact." "No," He says, "I just wanted to let you know what was going on." OK. I hang up. No more than a minute passes and She calls. "I am on my way over to your police station, to return some tools to the father of my daughter." (Argh! I hate this "Baby's Mama" thing our present culture has going right now. You had sex with this person, at one point you maybe even liked them, so stop acting like you barely had any kind of relationship with them. Total pet peeve of mine.) I digress, so I say, "Okaaaaay...." and She says, "So is that OK?" and I tell Her the same thing I told Him, but what I want to say is, "The two of You need to grow the heck up! Who told you, the police department needed to be advised of your every move???" But of course, I kept my thoughts to myself. I really can't stand this kind of call, but we get it all the time. I don't like it when citizens, try to use the police department like this. If there is a history of domestic violence, that is different; we are here to provide a civil standby for custody exchanges, etc., for your safety, but mitigating your every move, and playing referee is not in the job description. Sigh. Stepping down from soap box now.

Open Mouth Insert....Shoe

So I am chatting with Officer B and the phone rings

Me: Hello Wonderful PD, how can I help you?

Caller: I need help, I lost my shoe.

Me: I'm sorry? You lost your.....

Caller: My shoe, on the freeway, in your city.

Me: OK....well all calls for service on the freeway are handled by the Highway Patrol, so let me get you their number. It's ----------------.

Caller: Great, I will call them, I also need the number for those guys who work on the freeway in those orange vests. You see, my shoe was lost on the freeway and it was very expensive, but now I only have one shoe, and I want the other one back.

Me: Well the guys in the orange vests are probably CalTrans...Or prisoners...Let's just go with CalTrans. Their number is ------------------.

Caller: Oh good, I really want my shoe back, it is very expensive and it is somewhere on the freeway. I lost it their a week ago.

Me: Ok, well if anyone can help you it will be one of the numbers I gave you.

Caller: Thank you so much. Bye!

Wow, that must have been some shoe!

Mary, Ocean, Robert, Ocean, Nora

Ever since falling madly in love with Super Troopers some years back, I love to hear RPs read the letters in plates or VINs out phonetically. (Remember Farva? "Peanut, Eunich....") Anyway I had a humdinger of an RP yesterday and even though my trainer was listening in, I couldn't resist asking this guy to give me the letters on the vin of his stolen vehicle, like that, "You know, Sir, if you come to a "C" you say cat, stuff like that..." "Oh, ok" he replies, quickly, and I think it will be interesting but I wasn't prepared to have to mute him so he wouldn't hear me gufawing.

Here goes:

M.o.r.o.n Guy: OK, I lost the plate. So the Vin number is: Jump, Cathy---

Me: Wait is that with a "C" or a "K"?

MG: "C ." Then, Adult, Wiffle Ball,

Me: Do I count the "Ball?"

MG: No. Then there are some numbers. Then the letter----

Me: Hang on. Go ahead and give the numbers to me also.

MG: OK. Two, um that starts with "T" like Tom

Me: Um, no just the letters phonetically

MG: Oh, OK Tom, Waffle, Oscar,

Me: Wait stop. Are you giving me new letters or are you spelling out the number two ????

MG: But I thought I----

Me: Let me explain again how to do this......[I explain again]

MG: "Got it. [tells me the #s] G as in Garbanzo beans, P like, oh, man...

Me: Paul? And let me guess, don't count the beans...

MG: Wow, you are really good at that! Ok, P like Paul---

Me: Another P? Or the same P?

MG: Another one. T like....Tea, B, like Bee...

Me: I am gonna just stop you there because now we have way to many numbers/letters.

MG: Oh, OK, from the beginning J like Jaywalking-----

Me: Just stop. Here is what we are going to do. Just say the letter and I will ask you if I can't tell what it is.

----------

My trainer must have thought that I was the real moron!

And now here is the cherry on my ice cream o' fun:

Moron Guy: Wait there is one other thing. I got a warning notice in the mail that if I don't move the vehicle soon, it will be fined for 72 hour abatement.

Me: The stolen vehicle you are reporting?

Moron: Yeah, what should I do?

Me: Weeeeeellll since the vehicle has been stolen, that means technically it has been moved, so how about we just don't worry about that right now.

Moron: (Doubtfully) ...OK....

I said it before, and I'll say it again....I LOVE MY JOB.

Things That Make You Go.....What The ------????

I asked an RP of the guy who robbed him: "What race was he? White, Black, Hispanic or Asian?" and he replied, "Yes, that is right!"....Ummmm...I didn't know how to rephrase that question to make it more clear...

I Had the Right To Remain Stupid

I got pulled over by one of my own officers...sort of. I made a left turn out of the Crap in the Box even though "Right Turn Only" was posted. I saw the sign, but I thought, who is going to notice at 3:45 in the morning? My Officer, noticed. He pulls up beside me and does the universal hand motion for "Roll-your-friggin' window down" realizes it's me and rolls his eyes as he speeds off. Oops.

Fore !

If you are going to try and out run the police can you not do it in a stolen golf cart? You had to know we would catch you, that thing topped out at like 15 miles per hour.

10851-DERFUL

If you steal a vehicle from your fellow AA member, and then when you are finished with it you drop it near his house, don't assume he won't notice it sitting there and think that you can get away with stealing it again. And if you do steal the vehicle again, don't do it right in front of your fellow AA member. This nincompoop, stole the vehicle, returned it and then stole it again all within 24 hours, only the second time the victim was standing nearby, saw it happen, chased the suspect and vehicle down the street. One of our Units driving by sees the victim pulling the suspect from the vehicle, pummelling the guy and then the vicitm jumps into his own veh. Unfortunately not having been included in the goings on, the unit thinks he is witnessing a carjacking and throws the registered owner to the ground. Whoops. Not to worry, it was all worked out in the end. Well for us and the victim, anyway!

PS. I am working graves tonight an shoot howdy it is busy! I had an RP call admit the only reason he was reporting these Js on the corner was because they were "colored" and "well, we just don't normally see that kind of person around here" !!! Oh my gosh, sir? You dropped your white pointy hat! You better watch out your inner Klan is showing!! I explained that term was not appropriate, but it was like talking to a brick wall. Note to brick wall: Sorry for the insult. Some people are just plain stoopid.

But We are Supposed to Be the Smart Ones....

OFF DUTY ACCIDENTAL DISCHARGE: An officer at my husband's agency accidentally shot himself in the foot and then claimed his dog did it...He says while the gun was shoved down the front of his pants, without a holster (a warning sign right there...), his dog jumped on him and pulled the trigger. A trigger with about a 2 1/2 pound pull, by the way...How lame! Didn't he get the memo that "the dog ate my homework" variations, just don't cut it in the adult world??? All the officers on his shift are chipping in for a dog muzzle.

Bonehead Criminal of the Day

If you are going to rob a convenience store, and the employee catches and throttles you, when you are lucky enough to break free, make sure you take your getaway car with you.

Moron left his personal vehicle with all his information inside of it, in the parking lot and was caught just a few hours later on foot.

If the criminals were smart, we wouldn't catch them.

Bonus Dumbass: My pastor's bills were all stolen out of his mailbox and a suspect "washed" all of the checks and cashed them. Idiot used his real name and was easily tracked down within days.

647F'd

We just caught a guy outside a bar for being drunk/disorderly. He had just gotten released from county 2 hours before after serving 109 days for....being drunk....and disorderly. Are these people incapable of learning???

The Name You Choose For Your Child, Could Lead Them to a Life of Crime

From September 9th 2004:

Trust me on this, as a police dispatcher, I know what I am talking about. If you name you child something they feel they can't live up to, they will probably turn to a life of crime. Some examples are:

Bartholomew Hoover Smith
Christopher Columbus Jones
Albert Einstein Sanchez
Alexander Jean Pierre Petrok the Third
Freedom Justice Jackson
Shawshank Chattergee (I just got this one tonight)

If you name your child after something organic, edible, plants or minerals, you are pushing your luck. If you name your child something silly, they will probably turn to a life of crime. Some examples are:

Gaylord Frumpknickle
Jade Butterfly
Marsha Mello
Princess Diana Toothfairy( Some names have been modified a bit to protect the innocent but this one is totally real)
Phillip D. Mugg

Here are some examples of really bad parenting, I have witnessed personally:

Today a man called to report that his 17 yr old son was out of control. When I asked his date of birth, he said, "I dunno, sometime in November I think." If you don't know your child's DOB, I can pretty much guarantee they will turn to a life of crime.

I called a mom to say her 13 yr old daughter was arrested, "Oh geez, how much is this going to cost me?" Nice.

A woman called 911 because her six year old was, "out of control" she asked if the police could come out and "put the handcuffs on, just to scare him." Ma'am you cannot use your local police department to discipline your child, that's your job. I got this type of call weekly when I worked for (large metro area) Police Dept.

A mother of 7 called and asked if we could come get 2 of her children, because she "just can't afford that many." Enough said.

"My 14 year old, won't obey me I want him arrested." Well if you had started cracking down before the teenage years, maybe this would have been avoided. Maybe my job makes me cynical, I don't know. I like to think I'll learn from others mistakes. My friend Erika, a 911 dispatcher with me, tells children who call 911 for fun, "I am going to have the police come get you and take you to little kid jail, the bars are closer together and the handcuffs are smaller, but don't think I won't do it!" I used to love sitting next to her. Till later, goodnight