Sorting Out my Feelings **Updated***

This will seem very disjointed and probably quite boring. My oral board was exactly one week ago and before today I just kind of put my thoughts and feelings in a box and put that box on a shelf. I really just didn't want to think about the whole thing for a while. So now, I will take down that box, blow off the dust that has accumulated and see if I can make any sense of it.
I did not get the full time dispatch position at WPD. No I am not joking. The LT said it was because I live too far away, that they need someone who could be there much faster in an emergency, but there is another full dispatcher who lives twice as far as I do so... I have a lot of mixed emotions. I have been loyal to WPD since I was laid off due to budget cuts. To be honest, my gut level reaction is; I took this like a slap in the face. There is no one better qualified for the job because I ALREADY DO IT. So that means they didn't want ME. How is that supposed to feel? How do I take that? I don't know. My husband is far more pissed than I am. He says they have no loyalty. "Beck, this shouldn't have been you interviewing for an open position, this should have been them giving you your old job back. We never would have moved farther away if you hadn't lost your job in the first place." I see his point but I still feel conflicted. I am relieved because, though I would have gladly done it, the commute would have sucked. (It is one hour on a good day, 2 on a bad day.) Now I'll get to spend time with my toddler son until the per diem hours dry up in September and I have to find a full time job some where. I know I did really lousy on the oral board and I finally figured out why. Normally I nail oral boards. I have gotten jobs I was not qualified for because I interview really, really well. I totally sucked at this one. Hours later it dawned on me. I had no idea what I was supposed to do. Two out of the 3 people doing the board know me. I didn't know if I was supposed to pretend they didn't know me and just sell the heck out of myself and my skills or tell them new stuff that they perhaps did not know about me. The end result was I believe I didn't give thorough enough answers because, I figured they already knew my answers. It made me feel very awkward and uncomfortable to be interviewed by a friend too. Instead of selling myself to a prospective employer I felt like I was bragging, so I downplayed myself. I really did crappy. In hindsight I wish I had asked "Am I supposed to pretend I don't know you, and you don't know me?" However, in all fairness, they should have told me how they wanted me to answer, before the interview began. I am having a hard time getting too worked up about it all because, I feel my heart just wasn't in it. I like working per diem and I prayed about the whole experience. I put my whole faith in: if God wanted me to have this job, I would have it. Period. So, yeah, my worldly side is pissed, hurt, confused, offended and annoyed but when I look at my spiritual side, I couldn't be happier. I truly believe if God wanted me to have it, I would have it. When I am supposed to be working, the right job will be provided for me.
This whole experience has been really strange for me. I haven't really had to go through anything like this before, and I am not used to it.
Further analyzing the issue; I am not in the slightest upset with my friend, the dispatch supervisor, who was on the oral board, for not choosing me. Not one bit. But she never called, texted or even emailed, as a friend, to check on me and that hurts a lot. Maybe she felt she could only wear one "hat" and chose the work one. I hope not. If she reads this (And thinking she probably would, made it hard to vent, but that is what this blog is for), I am asking her to please not comment on this entry. I would rather pretend she doesn't read this entry, at all.
Well, those are my rambling thoughts about the whole situation, and I am no closer to enlightenment or resolution, but I trust my God completely.
***Updated june 28th*** My friend/Supervisor never got the text I sent her (I sent it immediately after the LT called me and it said "I am not upset. I am actually kind of relieved. I am disappointed and confused but OK." I was hurt when I got no reply. My friend not only didn't get it, she didn't know I already knew I had not been chosen. She was told not to discuss it with me. So, I feel like a horses ass for not trusting in our friendship. I have always prided myself for being one to admit when I am in the wrong, and this is one of those such times.***
Now, I am going to go play with Little Man, and probably rewrite this later, saving this one as a draft, and try to write it in a funny or more interesting format. I am thinking of me, lying on a couch in a shrink's office...... Til later.