I Just Called to Ask--What's the Number for 911?

From October 27, 2004

My friend "B" a fellow dispatcher, wrote a post on her Blog about some of the funnier 911 calls she had received. And it inspired me to "jot" down a few of my own. The following calls are real calls I have taken.

Me: 911 what's your emergency?
Caller: I'm at McDonalds and they charged me for water!!!!
Me: Sir, this is not an emergency.
Caller: Yes it it! It's water! Send a police officer to tell them they can't do that!

Me: 911 what's your emergency?
Caller: Send someone quick, there is a raccoon in my backyard!
Me: Are you aware you've dialed the police emergency line?
Caller: This is an emergency!!!!!
Me: OK, tell me why.
Caller: Because it's day time!
Me: And?
Caller: raccoon's only come at night, please hurry!

Me: 911 what's your emergency?
Caller: I just bought cocaine from this one guy and when I tried it, it turns out it's baby powder. I want this guy arrested.
Me: So you are admitting to me, on a recorded line that you attempted to buy drugs?
Caller: Yeah.
Me: Sir, think about this, do you really want the police officer to know what you were trying to do?
Caller: Oh, yeah....hee hee hee...nevermind (click)

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: My toilet is making weird gurgling noises.
Me: Ma'am, what is the emergency?
Caller: You should hear this--(holds phone up to toilet which is indeed making sounds.) What should I do?
Me: Please call a plumber.

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: You know that little girl who is missing?
Me: Yes, do you have information on her whereabouts?
Caller: I think I saw her playing little orphan Annie in a play I saw tonight.

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: I didn't dial 911.
Me: Yes you did, do you have an emergency?
Caller: No I didn't call.
Me: Sir, we don't make random house checks, are you ok?
Caller: (Sulking) Yeah. (Under his breath)...but I didn't call 911.

Me: 911 emergency Caller: Yeah, um I ate a lollipop, it wasn't wrapped and it was covered in fuzz and now I don't feel too good.
Me: Let me transfer you to medics.

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: Hi, I'd like to ask about my phone bill.
Me: You need to hang up and dial 411, this is 911 for emergencies.
Caller: Oooohh. Ok....Well can you help me when my bill anyway?

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: I left the iron on at my house, can you please send a police officer out to shut it off?
Me: No.

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: My chihuahua is missing out of the garage, all that is left is his sweater!
Me: Please call back on the business line. (But what I wanted to say)
Me: Sir, your chihuahua ran away from home, because you make him wear stupid outfits and he is sick of the other dogs making fun of him.

Me: 911 emergency
Caller: Yeah, I paid this escort to come over and, you know, but she took all of my money. Also, she was supposed to look like a little school girl but she didn't.
Me: I'll send an officer over and you can explain it. Don't forget to tell him about why she was there, in the first place, Ok?
Caller: Oh, Ok.

Me: 911 emergency. Caller:I don't feel safe, can I come where you are?
Me: Do you need me to send you an Officer?
Caller: No but if I could just lay down on the floor, near where you are, like with a sleeping bag or something,I'd feel a lot better, Ok?
Me: I'm sorry, it doesn't work like that.

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: There is a deer in my yard.
Me: What is the emergency? Is the deer injured?
Caller: No, he looks very peaceful, I just don't want him here.

Me: 911 emergency.. Caller: Some one's been in my house while I was gone!
Me: So there was a burglar in your house?
Caller: No, someone just shaved and left whiskers all in the sink.
Me: Oh...

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: Send someone quick, there is a police officer driving in front of me and I think he's drunk Me: Why do you think that?
Caller: He is swerving from one lane to the next and then back again, he's definitely drunk.
Me: Ma'am that's called a traffic break, he is trying to stop traffic. (silence)
Caller: Oh. That explains a lot....

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: Come quick, its road rage!
Me: (after getting all important info) what did the person confronting you look like?
Caller: Female, white, like 4 feet tall.
Me: So my officer knows which person is you, give me a brief description of yourself.
Caller: I am male, 6'5 250.
Me:........Ok, then, we're on the way.
Caller: Ok, but hurry she's really mad.

Me: 911 emergency
Caller: Your police radios are beaming lasers right into my brain and I'd like you to cut it out! Me: Hmmm...Ok let me send you an officer.
Caller: No thanks just tell them to stop it so I can get some sleep. Good night.
Me: Good night...

Me: 911 emergency
Caller: Someone stole my baptismal!
Me: Is that something that can be stolen?
Caller: Yes! My inner child wants it back!

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: (Elderly female) Hello dear, I fell down, I'm not hurt but I need you to send me an officer to help me up.
Me: Ok, I'm sending you help.
Caller: Go ahead and send me two big handsome fellas!
Me: I'll see what I can do...

Did I mention, I love my job?

The following is NOT my 911 call, but it is the funniest one I have ever heard of. My friend Ed took this one.

Ed: 911 state your emergency
Elderly female caller: My neigbors are way to loud, yelling and screaming, carrying on so.
Ed: Ok, is it an altercation or...
Elderly lady: Oh, no they are having sex, and honey NO ONE is that good.
Ed: (Laughing really hard) No, I guess not.....