Wadical? Let 'er Rip

I get emails of comments so that if someone comments on something older, I'll still see it. I found this comment on my "24 Beers in a Case, 24 hours in a day...Coincidence, I think not" entry. It was written yesterday at about 7pm. I left the spelling errors, censored the language a bit. Obviously this guy thought he found a different kind of site. I was going to delete it, (I did delete it from the post) then I thought why not have a little fun. Wadical, you are so much better at this kind of thing. Do you mind responding to our wayward visitor from Trenton, New Jersey? (Thank you Statcounter, you are both incredibly creepy and very useful.)


Anonymous said...


cops suck there dirty and there d**ks for no good reason.... because they think there better than the law.....complete bulls**t. i had a cop tell mer personally he saw a coke dealer driving around and he knew he was a dealer and so the cop pulled him over and smashed his tail light with his flashlight so he would have a reason to pull him over. Thats so d**k you cant do that its completely illegal. that code 7 picture..is that really right to have that many police in one place honestly its just a huge waste of $ and resources.

Wight Wing Wadical said...

(Knuckles Cracking...get the kids out of the room.)

First of all, I got no respect for "ANONYMOUS" contributers who have such limited vocabulary that they must resort to no less than 3 obscenities in the course of one very poorly constructed paragraph. From the content and quality of your composition, it is obvious that you're approximately ankle deep in the gene pool, drawing into question both the validity of your claim as well as your assessment of it. But let us assume for one moment (for the sake of your pathetic argument) that what you "say" happened "actually" happened and that you're not just recalling some episode of Reno 9-1-1 you watched while cranked up on some of that "coke" you're so concerned about being unmolested in its distribution. Let us assume for a fraction of a moment that it would be preferable for a community to have coke dealers on the street "driving around" without any fear of coming into contact with the local constabulary....WHO GIVES A CRAP? The dealer, his customer and Jesse Jackson, that's who! You ain't Jesse Jackson, so I guess that kinda narrows it down now doesn't it? Because I assure you that a staggering majority of the tax paying, job holding, registered voting, citizens who actually choose to contribute to the Gross National Product rather than suckle from its worn out teat certainly don't give a tinker's damn about their friendly neighborhood crack dealer's tail light nor his civil liberty to roam the streets! You consider it "...so d**ck" and "...completely illegal". I consider it more like... "pass interference in the end zone". In other words, "acceptable" considering the alternative would be that the crack slinging malcontent would complete his transaction unfettered thus contributing (in no small part) to the decline of the community who's responsibility it is for the offending police officer to protect and serve.When you choose to live outside the law, you forfeit your right to cry "foul" when a rule is cracked to catch you doing so. Go back to sleep, "Anonymous", if your local supplier gets locked up there will, no doubt, be another who is willing to step up and take his place.

Breastfeeding in Not a Crime

This post will seem totally out of left field, but not to me. Today I have got babies on the brain. (Still no luck on that front BTW.) I have previously mentioned my stance on nursing; I know it is a natural bodily function, but so is urinating, and you won't see me doing that in public, either. Earlier today I was cuddling with Little Man, and he is getting so big! I was thinking back to when he was a newborn and this story popped into my head. This may be one of those "you had to be there" situations, but really, when has that stopped me before?

So we have a Sgt. who is a very good cop, but he is very strict with dispatchers. I was working an 8 hour shift and I asked the Sgt to please come into dispatch.

Me: Sir, I need a 20 minute break.

Sarge: You already had your lunch break, so I'm sorry, you can't have a 20 minute break. I'll get an officer to give you a bathroom break if you want.

Me: Um, I am going to need a little more time than that.

Sarge: Why?

Me: I just need more time.

Sarge: Well, you are not entitled to another break.

Me: Well, technically, that's the point. This kind of break I am entitled to.... [Boy I didn't want to spell this one out, I am so private about such matters.] You know? [I begin pleading with my eyes, chanting in my head "dontmakemesayitdontmakemesayit"]

Sarge: No, I don't know.

Me: Um, sir? You have daughters right?

Sarge: [Not following my train of thought]...Yes

Me: And your wife...did she, well, you know, um.

Sarge: What?

Me: [Practically shouting] Nurse! Nurse ! Did she nurse!

Sarge: [Shouting back]: OH! Oh! [ He turned red, accidentally looks at the boobs in question, gets more flustered and begins talking to the ceiling] Oh, yes Mrs. Sarge did that! That is the most natural thing in the world. You know, it is so natural that---

Me: Yes, yes, [cutting him off because I am absolutely mortified] So...?

Sarge: Oh, no problem, absolutely no problem. I will get an officer in here immediately.

Me: There is no rush, I just needed to warn you so arrangements could be made.

Sarge: Not a problem! Officer S will be in here at 9pm promptly so you can pu----

Me: Thank you! Thank you, sir. Sorry for the hassle. There is no need to tell Officer S why. I'll be as quick as possible.

Then at 8:55pm Officer S walks in. Officer S is one of my favorites. He is a salty dog and he is not a softie by any stretch of the imagination, so right away his gentle demeanor was making me nervous!

Officer S: So, go ahead and take your time. Um, feel free to use the bathroom at the end of the hall, it's bigger. Perhaps, if you like, you can, um, light some candles and maybe play some soft music, or something.

At this point, I thought I was going to die of embarrassment.

Me: No. I'll be back in 20 or less. Thank you.

Officer S: No, problem, it's the most natural thing----

Me: Thank you!

Anyway, after this embarrassing incident, I didn't take any more shifts until I was done nursing. It was a pain all the way around, and although the agency was wonderful as usual, I just felt weird about asking for special time. Told you it was a random entry!

Welcome Gentle Readers, New and Old

I would like to take a moment to thank all of my loyal readers. You guys, are so awesome. I love that there are so many other cops and dispatchers who share similar experiences. I would also like to take a moment to welcome all the new readers from the command staff at Wonderful PD, and some old friends from Huge PD. I really like this blog. I like the feeling of venting and commraderie that I get with other people out there who "get it". I have so many stories to share from the 4 very different PDs I have worked at, my own life stuff, and stories from my husband's job. This blog is my creative outlet. It's mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. And, as it is mine, I reserve the right to exaggerate real life events to make them more enjoyable to the reader. At times I have taken two stories and blended them into one. I have always changed names, times and skewed actual events just enough to protect my privacy both at home and on the job. Be forewarned, comments on my entries are welcomed and encouraged. However, any comments that I feel are inappropriate, or I feel may lead to discocery of my location at home or at any of the jobs I have ever worked, (past and present), will be promptly deleted. Then, my husband will hunt you down. Just kidding! Or am I...That said, allow me to share my latest bonehead moment.

I sent Officer F on what I thought was just a usuall Citizen Contact/Officer Assist. Later from talking to the caller I realized it was a potential officer safety/5150 contact. So I said:

Officer C to cover Officer F due to his unstable nature.....[Long open miked pause as I realized how that sounded]... Clarification the caller is unstable not Officer F....

Geez! And that's what happens when I go a month without working, I get rusty!

A Vicious Circle

The entire police department received the following email, which began like this:

"All Sworn Personnel,

Hostile Work Environment/Sexual Harassment Prevention training and Taser Deployment training will be conducted on Friday..."

That's as far as I went, and I just couldn't stop laughing. Are they combining those classes? Are they going to taze the people who are sexually harassing others? And wouldn't that in effect create a hostile work environment? It's 3 am, I honestly have no idea if that is as funny as I think it is, or if I've gotten loopy. I'll tell you after I attend the class tomorrow morning. Boy I'll be careful what I say though. "Morning, Sarge, you look nice today." TZZZZZZZT. "Ahhhh! I take it back! I take it back!" Oh, man I've got the giggles now.

Me Talk Real Good

The problem with going one entire month without working, is that I get rusty. I get my rhythm back pretty quickly but sometimes, I just make an A$$ of myself.

I had sent officer M to a call, that seemed to be a single officer, kinda lame Citizen's Assist/Outside Agency Assist call. I then determined I should send a back up unit due to some additional information. So, I said:




"Unit 1 to cover Unit 3 due to his unstable nature.....[long pause as I slowly realized how that sounded] Clarification, the caller is unstable not Unit 3... "

Sigh, yes I am that talented a dispatcher.

Let's Be Realistic

I haven't had many shifts recently, hence my lack of posts. I just completed a class on Hostage Negotiations for Dispatchers. It was an awesome class; I really learned some great techniques that I will employ with my next suicidal caller. As for the validity of the class? Well, instead of 8 hours of how to handle a hostage taker or barricaded suspect, it could have been summed up in one brief comment: "Don't get your feelings hurt when the detective/Sgt./LT/Captain or Chief, rips the phone away from you and takes over." Seriously.

I finally work a graveyard shift this Thursday. Those are always ripe with material. I will be updating then. Talk to you soon!

We Can Learn A Lot From Our Elders

An elderly lady called in and said, "I have a noise complaint. The people next door are yelling up a storm. Can you hear them in the background? Here, I'll put the phone out the window." A much given response of, "That won't be necessary---" was halted mid-sentence because for once the noise was so loud, when the RP held the phone up, you could hear what she was complaining about. (99 times out of 100 the rp wants the dispatcher to experience the noise, and 99 time out of 100 I say, "No, no, don't hang the phone out the window, it doesn't matter if I can hear it or not, it is your peace being disturbed not mine." Besides, we usually can't hear the barking dog/party call/neighbors running around in the upstairs apartment, they are calling about.) This time was an exception. In what was almost THX clear audio, was a couple who were obviously in the throes of er, passion. The elderly lady then brought the phone back and said, "I mean honestly, no one is that good." I couldn't help it, without hitting the mute button, I laughed so hard! "I mean, am I right? Or what?" She said, also laughing. It was awesome.

Couldn't Have Happened to a Nicer Officer

Let me begin this post by saying, even the very few officers that regularly treated me like crap at Evil PD, were given my "A" game. Yes, there was a time or two where I was lured into the back and forth"who can give the meanest tone of voice on the radio." If I want to, I can be the queen of the bad attitude. My voice can drip with such scathing tones, your ears will melt off. I digress, that is a post for another time, this is an Evil PD story. There's this officer there, I will call her Officer M. She had about 3 years experience at the time, she is about 5'4" in decent shape and probably about 25 years old. That's all fine, but she walks around with this swagger, thumbs hooked in her duty belt and all, like she's all that and a tub of biscuits. It wasn't that she was really mean to me, it is just she thought she was a complete bad a$$ and treated others as if they were insignificant. So, every year in Evil City there is an Air Show at the local airport. Memos are emailed out for weeks leading up to it and they get posted all over the station, warning officers and dispatchers that there is a part of the show where a stunt helicopter appears to crash, but that it is well rehearsed and just fine. Every year we get about 25 frantic 911 callers, screaming into the phone about a crash at the airport, and every year we calm them down, with the aforementioned explanation. Bottom line, we expect the callers to call and the frantic citizens to flag down officers. What we don't expect is the following to happen:

Officer M: I'll be making an 1186 at---OH MY GAWD! SEND FIRE AND MEDICS CODE 3 TO THE EVIL AIRPORT THERE HAS BEEN A HELICOPTER CRASH!!!!!!

Me: [In an extremely calm, level voice] Negative Officer M, please 1021 radio.

Officer M: I DON'T HAVE TIME TO GIVE YOU A CALL RIGHT NOW!!!! SEND FIRE AND MEDICS NOW!!!! I AM ROLLING CODE 3 TO THE SCENE.

Me: [Genuinely hoping I can help her save face.] Reduce code, and 1021 dispatch immediately.

Officer M: NO ! I AM ALMOST 97. I WILL BE ABLE TO SEE THE CRASH IN JUST A SECOND. OK, I SEE IT!!!!!!! LET FIRE KNOW......oh.... Nevermind.

Me: Yes. Now, please 1021 radio.

And the radio clicks went on for over a minute. She was called Officer Mayday for a really long time. I would like to say that she learned something from the experience or at least that she calmed down a bit but I can't. In fact the reason I wrote this random Evil PD story is that I just heard that Officer Mayday was recently at a Party/Noise complaint call, had her taser out, tripped and fell and tased herself. Amazing.

You've Come A Long Way Baby!!!!

Today is Little Man's second birthday! We are going out to have some fun now. Write more later, I promise.

Havin' a sHELL of a Good Time!

Hello! I have not fallen off the face of the planet. I am in fact, on a long overdue vacation. I will be back and blogging no later than my next work shift--Tuesday. (Day shift) Hope you all are doing great.

Join Me for a Sit-Along !

I am taking you with me tonight. You will be with me all 12 hours. Yippee, it will be fun. I will update this post all night long. Every single call, and dispatch will be logged. I am not saying it will be exciting, but it should be interesting. Here we go!

1745-1845hrs: Get up, get ready, go pick up some Baja Fresh for dinner. 2 carne asada tacos, a side order of chips, a coke and a churro. Got my fuel for the night.

1845hrs: Arrive at work and overhear the oncoming shift talking about having an "1186 Contest." That is, who can make the most traffic stops. Uh oh, better eat fast!

1857hrs: 911 from a cell, unable to call back due to area code being (911). That means it's an unassigned cell. Luckily it just sounded like a child playing.

1901hrs: Neighboring city transfers a call of two black Mercedes speeding south bound into our city, along the state route. Read, dumped the call, because I guarantee, it was speeding through their city and they just assumed it going to come flying into ours. I put it out on the air as a BOL and dumped, er I mean, passed along the information to the city south of ours.

1912hrs: Fire dispatcher calls and requests a unit. They arrived to investigate a smoke alarm and the back door has been forced open.

1918hrs: 911 medical for an elderly male. Conscious/breathing transferred to fire. (We answer all 911 calls here but fire and medics go to the county dispatcher.

1920hrs: Witness wanting to ID a suspect from earlier incident. Transferred to officer handling

1920hrs: Unit at fire call goes Code 4. It was the fire department that forced open the door. Someone left a pan on the stove.

1921hrs: Same child on untraceable cell calls 911 and talks incoherently. [Note to people with children: Cell phones are not toys! Even ones you no longer pay for have 911 access.]

1930hrs: Officer Brett requested I try to find a phone number to the resident. I located a number, called it and Officer Brett answered. We both promptly concluded this did no good.

1941hrs: Fire and Officer Brett clear the residence after leaving a note. I return to shoveling down as much food as possible before the next call.

1944hrs-2100hrs: (I was giving every single incident it's own log time, but it was getting really long and boring. So I'm lumping the routine stuff together.) Witness transferred to officer's voicemail. Female at the PD reporting a lost wallet. Detective calls in for case number.Traffic stop with a parolee, random call, more Baja Fresh, traffic stop, daughter of female in the PD lobby finds the wallet at home. Chris sends me cell phone text picture of Little Man eating dinner and I almost cry because I haven't seen him since Monday afternoon. Parking complaint, Traffic stop, some callers and a failed attempt at putting the radio traffic of last nights pursuit, from the computer onto a CD for court. (Boy, Ron, I coulda used your expertise. I am so inept with computers.)

2100hrs-2200hrs: Parking complaint, noise complaint, and traffic stops. More Baja Fresh scarfed down.

2200hrs-2300hrs: Sappy phone call from my husband who couldn't sleep. Traffic stops. Woman locked out of her apartment. Tiny bit of light reading squeezed in.

2300hrs-Ooooh fight call! All units enroute now. 7 subjects fist fighting on the train platform.

2302hrs: Units arrive. 5-6 subject seen, not fighting.

2304hrs: Witness says it is male vs. female. Conducting area check. 4+ units 97 (onscene), sheriff almost 97 . WFA 20s blnd, WMA 20s with a cut on his face. Both outstanding.

2317hrs: Hello? Where did everybody go? No one is saying anything on the radio....

2318hrs: That was a big fat nothing. They couldn't find them.

2330hrs: Male and female fighting in the street. Two units and a Sgt. responding. Other unit on a traffic stop.

2332hrs: Out with both subjects.

{In the middle of this a detective has come up yelling his call sign. I think, Holy crap! it must be something important to be yelling and to interrupt an in progress fight call. Nope. He just wants me to call a cab for a citizen. After a few minutes, I still had not gotten a chance to call the cab. The defective called me and asked, "What is the ETA for my cab?" I tell him I am a bit busy with a fight call, it will be another moment, would he like the cab's phone number and he can call for himself? He actually had the audacity to say, "Well, I have never had to do that before, I'm not sure I know how." I politely told him to just call the cab and give him his location, that if he had any issues, to let me know and by then I'd probably be free. Honestly, I know he has a cell phone, because he is calling me. He is armed and fully trained; am I to believe he is unable to wield a cell phone???}

2343hrs: Units code 4

2350hrs: Units clear. No DV., the wife was angry at husband for staying out late drinking with college buddies on a week night. Verbal only.

2350hrs-0012hrs: Silence. Blessed silence.

0012hrs: County wide BOL put out over all local radio frequencies. Officer Safety: 211 in a nearby city, just occurred with a handgun. 3 BMA suspects in a mall white vehicle.

0012hrs-0200hrs: Traffic stops, 1154 (Suspicious vehicle) a few 1066s (Suspicious persons), party call where the revelers were throwing empty beer bottles at passing cars, a few traffic stops.

0200hrs-0300hrs: CODE 7

0305hrs-Caller asking a lot of questions regarding identity theft. How to go about reporting it etc. I give him the information and he says, "Good, good, thank you. I'll just gather up all the paperwork and head on down there to make the report." "OK," I say, "We're open all night." But what I am thinking is, why on earth are you up at 3 in the morning? Why can't you get some sleep and come take care of it first thing in the morning? It makes me wonder. Same with when an RP calls at like 0330 in the morning and says, "I was just looking out my bedroom window and I saw...." Why? Why were you "just staring out your window" right smack in the middle of the night? Oh that I could be the one at home in the middle of the night! I never take my bed or pillow for granted and if I were home right now we'd be locked in a passionate embrace.

0310hrs-0528hrs: Watch a DVD. (I am allowed to.) Almost no radio traffic and zero phone calls.

0545: All is silent still so I head to the restroom. Without going into graphic detail, I get comfortable and an officer goes out on a traffic stop. I pull up my pants, run into dispatch and answer the officer. The radio isn't working because of the way my headset is wrongly plugged in. An officer and Sgt. come into dispatch to make sure I am OK and that I heard the traffic, only to observe me wrapped in the telephone cord and attempting to zip up my pants. Classic.

0530hrs-0645hrs: Start entering a giant stack of citations into the system. I got almost two completed. The officers were going crazy with traffic stops. Also we get a lot of medical calls, and vandalism/car burgs that occured overnight, first thing in the morning

0630-0645hrs: The CLETs system goes down so I can't run out any people or plates. Nevertheless, several officers attempt to do so, even though they have been notified.

0645hrs: San Bernadino County Sheriffs called to confirm a warrant. When I finally found it in the warrant files it was so old, the paper was disintegrating. It was a drunk driving warrant for 1,000 dollars form the '80s

0700hrs: The day shift dispatcher, Dino, has arrived. Yay! So, that was a pretty typical shift. Not always exciting but definitely interesting. Man, I love my job. And now I am off to see my sweet boy and reunite with my beloved pillow.

Who's on First?

Sometimes you can't get good information from callers because their accent is so strong, you just can't understand them. Sometimes you can't get good information from callers because of a language barrier. Try as you might, it just ain't happening. Sometimes you can't understand the caller because their crappy cell phone keeps cutting out. Sometimes you can't get good information from callers because they are just plain stupid. And every now and then the four types of difficult callers meld together to create a really, really frustrating experience. Like the call I got today. Imagine if you will a female, with a very thick accent, (doesn't really matter which kind), a horrible cell connection and definitely English as a third, or possibly fourth language.

Me: 911 emergency

Caller: I at is room for laundry. Come now. Brother not treating me well.

Me: What is your location?

Caller: Yes.

Me: I see you are calling from a cell phone. I do not know your location.

Caller: Yes.

Me: Where are you?

Caller: I [cell static] here.

Me: Where is here? What is your location? What address are you at?

Caller: I am in the room of laundry.

Me: You are at a laundry mat?

Caller: NO! (As if I am the stupid/unintelligible one.)

Me: Ma'am, I don't know where to send my officer. What address are you at.

Caller: My cross street is Glade.

Me: But what is your address?

Caller: The cross street is Glade.

Me: Ma'am without an address, the cross street doesn't help me. What is your address?

Caller: It is 360. Now send the polices.

Me: 360, is the street number, what is the street address.

Caller: Glade

Me: Isn't Glade the cross street???

Caller: Yes. Send the polices now, for my brother.

Me: What. Street. Are. You. On? 360.........

Caller: Reston!

Me: Good! OK 360 Reston. That is the Glade apartments. What apartment are you in?

Caller: Yes.

Me: What is the number of the apartment you are in.

Caller: I am not in apartment! Room of laundry!

Me: Are you in the laundry room of the apartment complex at 360 Reston?

Caller: Yes!

Me: OK. Is your brother there now?

Caller: He---[static]

Me: Please say that again, your cell cut out.

Caller: I said, he is not here.

Me: OK, can you go back to your apartment, and wait for the police?

Caller: What apartment?

Me: Your apartment.

Caller: I don't have and apartment.

Me: ... I thought you were in the laundry room of the Glade Apartment complex.

Caller: Yes.

Me: But you don't have an apartment there?

Caller: No, I am staying at a hotel nearby.

Me: [At this point, I know she is safe, I know where she is, I just don't even care to know why on earth she is doing her laundry at some random apartment complex.] OK. What is your phone number?

Caller: 4.

Me: What is the phone number for the cell that you are calling me on.

Caller: 2.

Me: [What the H#$*????] OK. Ma'am just wait there in the laundry room and I will send an officer to come talk to you.

Caller: You send the polices now.

Me: Yes. Please stay put.

Caller: OK, I will go there.

Me: No, I mean just stay where you are.

The officer arrived onscene and cleared "advised" within about 1 1/2 minutes. Big surprise.

I Should Have Kept My Mouth Shut...

Last time I worked, I was bored. Soooooo incredibly bored. In two 12 hour day shifts, I got maybe one interesting call and a handful of 1186s (traffic stops.) Back me up, Ron, you were there. I was so bored, I was flagging down the records people and asking them if I could help them with paperwork. There were no cites to be entered, no entries to be made, no phones to answer, and records told me they didn't need any help. I always feel like such a slug when I open up a magazine or book on day shift. Especially when the chief of police, or my boss comes by. On my way out the door last week, I told an officer, that I'd be on his shift on Monday, and could he please be more entertaining. Boy, I should have kept my mouth shut. Within the first hour we had a pursuit that left the city, 911 calls off the hook and an in custody. My black cloud followed onto day shift and they had a felony hit and run occur at the same time as some bank robbers took the commuter train into our city. Tonight we had all the 911 lines ringing at once for a vehicle vs. motorcycle. And as my favorite SGT always says, "There is no such thing as a minor injury motorcycle accident." Shoot howdy we are having fun tonight. And the hits keep on coming. Talk more later!

It's Off to the Races.....

It is that time again in the 5150 household. Time for us to once again put all our money on the three legged horse named "Gimpy." We are officially trying to create a sister for Little Man. To make a loooooooong story short, it's not easy for us. Last time involved years of waiting, praying and surgery. My main thoughts are: When will it happen? How will it happen? I don't mean that kind of "how"! When I say "how" I mean, I know that for us adoption is a very real option. I have to have another child, so if we can't make one, we are fine with adopting. Because of that possibiltiy I often lurk around the various adoption blogs. A recurring theme on all of these sites, are Home Studies. That is where they come into your home to evaluate if you are able to care for an adopted child. Uh oh. Do you have to do one of those? I can only imagine what ours would be like. Let's all imagine, shall we, that you can follow along via virtual tour as I meet with our social worker:


"Hi, sorry I am late, I just got off my usual 12 hour shift. Welcome to our home, yeah it is pretty cute, I think the term for it would be a "fixer upper." You'd never know that though from the size of the mortgage, or shall I say mortgages, plural. Sorry about the crappy neighborhood. I am pretty sure they are selling drugs across the street, too. Come on in. Oh, whoops, don't trip over Riley. Why yes she is a Pitt bull. And here's Gabby. Gabby, down. Down Gabby. Gabby, get down. Stop jumping on the nice lady! Oh, sorry about your dress...So here is our living room. No, no, that's not carpet, that's hardwood floors with about 3 inches of dog hair on it--I haven't had a chance to vacuum in weeks. Hmm? Oh, no that isn't a dog in the corner it's just a really big hair ball! We only have four large dogs. Are you choking? Can I get you a glass of water? No? That's probably for the best, I don't have any clean glasses anyway. Also we were sent a letter recently from the city, asking us not to drink the water. Something about high levels of arsenic. Yes, it is pretty normal for me to have about 2 weeks worth of dirty dishes in the sink. No, no don't open the oven! Oops, you caught me, I hid some more of the dirty dishes in there. How embarrassing. Now, over here somewhere under all these magazines and bags is a really nice kitchen table. Oh no, that's not an unusual pattern on the linoleum floor, those are muddy dog prints! Here is the den/storage/future second child's room. No, we didn't just move in, we've been here two years, I just haven't got around to unpacking, yet. Sorry about the bills scattered all over the desk here. I am trying to pay off some really big loans. Our credit is pretty crappy but we're working on it, (nervous laughter). We may be poor, but what we lack in money, we make up for with our rich personalities! Ha, ha, ha, ahem. You'd like to know where my husband is? Oh he couldn't make it, he is at the hospital. He got in a fight with an armed suspect who pulled a gun on him and a fight ensued. He's getting stitches. The suspect, not my husband, silly! That husband of mine, always getting into these madcap adventures, gun fights and high speed pursuits! (Awkward silence). OK, um, moving right along, this is the bathroom. Oh, that? Yes the paint is peeling off the wall. I realize it's only one foot off the floor, and yes it is lead based, but don't worry I wouldn't let the kid lick the walls! Ha Ha Ha. Is it it warm in here, or is it just me. What am I thinking our Air Conditioner's broken, of course it's me! Who could forget the 100 degree summer were having! Um, yeah, so down here at the end of the hall is our room. Oh, that? That is the gun cabinet, we keep meaning to fix the lock on that. Oh my gosh, Xena! I'm sure this nice lady doesn't want that icky dead mouse! She's always bringing us 'presents'. Where are you going? What do you mean you have to leave? Ma'am come back! You forgot your purse...Sigh"

Yeah, I'm sure our prospects will be lining up around the block.

Feeling Like a Deer in the Headlights...

I thought the amount of profile views I had (most recently 850) was the amount of readers I had ever had in the past year... In the past 5 days since I finally figured out how to add a statcounter (thanks Ron!) I have gotten almost 200 hits. Wow. Here I was typing along, from time to time, imagining I was talking to, my mom, some fellow dispatchers, a couple of cops and just a few others. Now I feel all exposed, all nervous, all shy. I can employ the method I used to use in speech class---I can imagine all of you alls in your underwears.... Tee hee. It's not working! I can't do this! OK, I am going to have to pretend that I am just writing an email to my mom. She is my biggest fan, and I don't just mean on my various blogs. You can hear me dispatch live; there is a link on my police department's home page and my mom tunes in regularly. [I will not disclose the website, as I guard my annomintiy ferociously.] She and I email back and forth all day, and she will tell me how good I sound, or want to know what the disposition from various calls were. I always hate to let her down when we get a call that sounds all exciting and then it turns out to be nothing. From her side, listening, there were just 4 masked suspects seeming to case a bank. Next thing you know she hears, "Code 4" and then "Clearing." Soon after I will get an email: "Well, what happened????" "Nothing Mom, they were gardeners, covering their faces while they did yard work, so they wouldn't inhale dirt." But she gets to hear the good stuff too, like last week when I said, "Clinton street, like our former president." or when I screwed up the radio traffic so bad I ended up saying, "Standby, operator malfunction." So, Mom, it is with out further ado, I will share my most recent deer tail. Er, tale.....


Me: 911 emergency

Deer Lover: Hello, please send an officer immediately! There is a deer...IN THE BUSHES!


[Let me just stop right here and make a comment. Wonderful City is chock full of deer. Now, I like deer as much as the next guy; hey, I saw Bambi too, but sometimes it gets ridiculous. One time I got SEVEN 911 calls that a deer was running parallel to traffic when at the exact same time I got exactly ONE call that a man had collapsed on a very public sidewalk. So forgive me if I roll my eyes every time a concerned citizen whines about a deer.]

Me: Ma'am are there any humans in danger?

Deer Lover: No, the deer is!

Me: Please call back on the non-emergency line, and they will help you.

[Let me stop here again. When I tell people that---the "they" I am speaking of, is actually me. They are still going to get me on the non-emergency line. I realize that it is more work for me, not to just take the info on the 911 line, but gosh darn it, it's the principle of it all. 911 IS FOR LIFE THREATENING EMERGENCIES. I refuse to take calls about deer, noise complaints or unruly 10 year olds on 911. Continuing...]


Me: Wonderful PD, how can I help you?

Deer Lover: You need to send an officer to the intersection of R and E immediately. There is a deer. It is in the bushes here. I am standing just mere inches from her. Hello deer, it's OK, I am here. I am going to get you help.

Me: Ma'am? Are you....talking to.... the deer?

DL: Yes, I just want her to know she is not alone. It's OK, you're going to be fine.

[At this point I realized, this was not the standard there-is-a-deer-running-in-traffic-I-am-afraid-the-poor-widdle-thing-is-going-to-get-hit-by-a-car call. This required and expert. As I did not have a psychiatrist, on call, to send her, I did the next best thing. I passed her off to animal control. 2 minutes after that...]


Me: Wonderful PD

DL: Hello, it's me again. Animal control is unable to help the deer! They said there was nothing they could do. But she is still here! You must said an officer now!

ME: [How do I phrase this delicately....] Well...if they can't help you.... [usually when I say this and then kind of taper off my voice off at the end, it finally dawns on even the slowest citizen that we don't have "deer whispering" in our vast bag o'cop tricks.]


DL: You have to help. I will be standing here waiting for the officer.

ME: Well, you are going to have to get over it. We are not the deer patrol and though I cannot stop you from frolicking with a deer at 3:30 in the morning, I wouldn't advise it. Go home and go to bed!

[That was actually what I wish I could say but here is what I actually said:]


ME: Ma'am, um, well, what is it that you think a police officer can do exactly?

DL: Well can't you lead it to safety? Can't they take it somewhere?

ME: How? With our Pied Piper? Speaking of pipes, what on earth have you been smoking, lady, and where can I get some???

[Sorry, I was daydreaming again. Reality:]

ME: Ma'am, the police are here to help if you are in danger, or some other person is in danger, but the deer is OK, right? It's not rabid, or vicious? It is not creating a traffic hazard? Am I understanding correctly that it is just hanging out in the bushes? That the two of you are just hanging out, in the middle of the night, but that you are both OK?

DL: So are you going to send someone right away?

ME: Wow. No, I'm not. I am sorry, but there is nothing an officer can do. I'll tell you what I will do though. I will let the beat officer know. That way he can be aware of the situation, and keep an eye out for the deer, OK?

DL: Well, I'm really not comfortable with that. OK, goodbye deer, good luck. I am saying good bye to her. Now I am getting in the car. Oh, I am so uncomfortable with this. OK, I am leaving now.

ME: All right. Have a good night.

I then sent the officer a MDT message:

THERE IS A DEER AT R AND E. IN THE BUSHES. JUST HANGING OUT. A CITIZEN WANTED YOU TO KNOW.

And he wrote back:

UM. OK. THANKS...

Shortly after that officer went out on a traffic stop. Apparently some crazy lady, waved at him, squealing her tires, as she did an insane U-turn and almost ran into him. She was screaming at him, that there was a deer. In the bushes! That needed help! He told me later, that it was a good thing I sent him the message because, then he knew more of what he was dealing with. Turns out she was high as a kite, big surprise. The officer said her pupils were enormous. Sooooo, the moral of the story is if you are going to get high, frolic with a deer at 3 in the morning and harass your local dispatcher... Don't then flag down an officer. Just commune with nature, and go on your merry way. Other wise, the deer won't end up, safely in a cage, but you will!

ME! Hard at Work. Solving Crises. Fighting Crime. Life and Death Matters.

"No, no ma'am... Ma'am? As a matter of fact I do NOT want to hear all about the bowel movements of your cat."

What a Boob...

So we have a newish full time dispatcher here at WPD. To protect the innocent, I shall call her...Girlie. She is 23, and a sweetheart, but in some ways she is so very immature. I don't mean in a "let's get out the Barbies and play house" kind of way, but in the "I am still very unaffected by the world and am still learning appropriate social boundaries" kind of way. Should she ever happen upon this blog, please know the following story is told with no malice, you sweet child. First let me say, I don't know her very well, and at the time of this occurrence I really didn't know her at all. I was coming on shift to relieve her. She wasn't wearing our normal uniform polo shirt, but a zip-up sweatshirt. And now we begin:

Girlie: Hi! How was your drive? We had a pretty busy day. Do you like my new boobs? I just had them done.

Me: Hi. My drive was fine and... Say what?

Girlie: My boobs, they're new. Didn't you notice? I just got them done.

(Glancing quickly at said boob-le region)

Me: Oh wow. Yeah that's cool. Good....shape.

Girlie: I know, (closing the door to dispatch) Would you like to see them?

Me: Whoa, um I---

(Ziiiiiiiiiip. Out come the boobies)

Me: Oh my, huh. Wow. Yeah. Those are boobs.

Girlie: They still really hurt. I had to have my nipples re-placed into a better positionon. First the doctor took the nipple-----

Me: Wow! Yeah. That's amazing. They look great. Good job.

Girlie: They feel real. Would you like to feel them? You can feel them, I don't mind, it's OK.

Me: ... Um... Ok, sure. Why not...

(I poked at them experimentally with one finger.)

Me: Hey, look at that. Ok, well, you can zip up your sweatshirt now.

Girlie: You can really grab onto the whole thing if you want to.

Me: Nope. I'm good.

Girlie: (Disappointedly zipping up) Well, if you're sure.

Me: I'm sure.

If I had any hidden fears that perhaps I was a lesbian and didn't know it? ; they've been put to rest.

Not just "Same Old, Same Old" after all

I had this caller who said she was hiding in her closet, and that someone had broken into her home. Her alarm had gone off and she was sure someone was coming up her stairs. How many alarm calls turn out to be false alarms, or alarms tripped by the dog/cat/husband/friend/maid/janitor/wind? I would say 85% of them. So I handled the call as a valid hot call, if for no other reason, than the poor woman was terrified. "I can hear him in the hallway.... I have just locked myself in the bathroom... Now he is in my bedroom, please hurry!" I tell her I have units on the way and to please stay on the line. "I can hear him by the dresser. He is counting my money!" What does that sound like? I thought to myself, imagining the sound of paper bills rustling and a suspect counting, "One dollar, two dollars, three dollars...." At this point I really thought she was 5150. I told her units were onscene, to stay put while we did a perimeter check. All of the sudden she begins screaming, "He's trying to come into the bathroom! He's trying to come in! He is in the bathroom!!" And in her defense I did hear a lot of background noise. My officers broke in the door to the house ran up the stairs and promptly went code 4. I knew it! I said to myself. It is all quiet on the air, for at least 5 minutes. All of the sudden my K9 unit comes up on the air, yelling, "Nora 8, I am in the garage with the suspect and I am not Code 4! I REPEAT I AM NOT CODE 4!" Holy crap! I thought, throwing the magazine I had recently picked back up, practically across the room. All the onscene units met Nora 8 in the garage and there his dog is snarling and sitting on the suspect who not only was very real, but armed with a wicked looking knife. Scared the crap out of the poor K9 handler, who must have been thinking just like I did, that it was once again, not a valid alarm call. Long story short, a routine call got very exciting, very fast. It made me a much better dispatcher, in that I learned to take even far-fetched sounding calls seriously, just in case. Later I spoke with Nora 8 and he said he is positive, if we had not gotten there when we did, the RP would have been raped, murdered or both. He said, the suspect was, "One of the biggest, scariest looking dudes" he had ever seen. Creepy.

Get Me Judge Judy--Fast!!!!!

One year ago my dogs attacked and killed the neighbor's Chihuahua. I wish it didn't happen, I feel bad for the little dog, but here is a quick synopsis of what happened:

My dogs were confined to the part of the yard away from the Chihuahua's yard, because they were always barking at a different neighbor's dog. Honestly, my dogs never really paid attention to the Chi---Rat Dog. Anyway, the Rat Dog came into our yard, my dogs tore down the barricade and followed it into it's own yard and ate it. Literally. Anyways, I talked to the owner, apologized and told her "Absolutely!" when she told me I should pay for 1/2 the cost of repairs to the fence. I gave her my personal cell phone number and told her to call me with the amount. She never called, she never gave me a bill, or tried ANY kind of contact...until now. Now, she is taking me to small claims court for $7500. Are you kidding me? She never even tried to collect. Talk about going from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds. Isn't small claims court for people who refuse to pay? I didn't refuse to pay her. Ok, deep breath. I digress, she sent me a certified letter, full of emotionally manipulative statements of how traumatized she was, probably hoping for pain and suffering. One problem with that; you can't get pain and suffering in CA small claims court, only the amount to cover damages and only what you can prove. Sooooo, I have 10 days to reply, and I wrote a very courteous letter, telling her if she wasn't happy with me paying her for the fence as we already agreed, and what she paid for the dog, she will have to take me to court. I almost hope she does. Almost. I have so many pictures that prove my side of the story. She totally screwed herself by putting my personal cell # on the letter she sent me because, how else would she have that unless I gave it to her? No judge will believe I said, "I am not paying you! Now here is my personal cell # so you can call and harass me." I will keep you updated. In the meantime, I want to share with you the letter I composed, that I WISH I could send. But I won't.



Dear Liz,

What the @#$% ??? Are you kidding me? Who the @#$% do you think you are; waiting an entire year and then trying to extort $7500 from me? Where do you get off? Do you honestly believe you can prove that nine crappy plywood boards and a mangy, neglected, mixed breed Chihuahua is worth that??? If this goes to court, I’m thinking all that you are due is about 45 bucks max. And little “Princess” as you so aptly named her, was so neglected we felt sorry for her. Meeting a violent but swift end was far more merciful than spending one more day with you. That dog yapped night and day, begging for attention, so how dare you, now pretend you even gave a rat’s ass about her.
Let’s get back to the fence repairs, not only did you only replace nine boards on your fence, you didn’t even fix the right place! Not to mention, YOUR dog entered OUR yard! I can prove, that portion of my yard was cordoned off. Why? Because your stupid dog would begin barking incessantly every time my dogs walked by. Not only did your dog come into my yard first, it pushed the board into my yard, which I can prove by the sheer fact that my dogs do not have opposable thumbs. And another thing; my dogs are a pack, and therefore, when something as small as a rodent comes into their domain, they will kill it. Honestly, they probably thought the damn thing was a squirrel. And where did you get the figure "$7500?" Did you just pull that amount out of your a$$ or are you also charging me for your psychiatrist's visits; because that would make more sense. In closing, if you have anything further to add, you can kiss my a$$. See you in court, moron.

Sincerely,
Becca


Sigh. If only.

Happy Anniversary to Me (This is a different one)

Chris and I are celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary (July 4th). We are going camping, write more when we get back!