Too Much Christmas Cheer...

There is always one yahoo, that has too much spiked egg nog, and winds up making a fool of themselves; often with a lampshade or some such object on their head. Here's this years winner. Can you believe it?

Hope everyone out there had a wonderful time!

Merry CHRISTmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Cure for the Anal Retentive

I have come soooooo far in training. I have become the kind of dispatcher, I never knew I could. I loved/love WPD, but it's not the busiest place. Don't get me wrong, some weird Twilight Zone stuff happens there, and it can get insane, but often times it is calm and there is usually a moderate workload. A normal shift would average 3 officers and a Sgt. at night and 3 plus detectives, 3 CSOs, 2 traffic units and a Sgt. during the day. The other night, at Close to Home PD, I had 2 Sgts, 1 DUI, unit, 2 K9s, 1 Booking Officer and 7 Patrol units. I had to do all of the radio traffic, all of the registration and drivers licence checks, and all of the subjects being run out, alone, plus the required records work. I got written up for missing 3 readable transmissions. THREE!!!!! In the whole shift! Not to mention, sometimes I have been catching radio traffic that my trainer has missed. It is soooo frustrating because, the officers will complain when they have to repeat their plate or location. OK, #1 If I say 10-9, it's not because I love the sound of your voice, or because I am stupid, it is because I WANT TO KNOW WHERE YOU ARE SO I CAN HELP KEEP YOU SAFE!!!! Say it with me, "Officer Safety.!"#2 The officer I have repeat herself, night after night, has braces, and is absolutely unable to enunciate. So don't you get an attitude with me, Madam Mushmouth, when your version of "I'm at the 7-11" Sounds to me like, "I had sullen unleavened" (???) #3 Thank you Officer Brown for your suggestion that I should talk in a monotone; I wandered around the house for hours talking like a robot, and it gave me and my husband a much needed laugh. #4 When I slipped and said, "What's your 20" instead of "What's your 926", don't jump down my throat; A) Your agency is one of the only CA ones not using the 10-codes, so you're outside the norm not me, and B) I've got almost 6 years of ingrained habits to break, you can cut me a little slack. #5 When I say, "1900 Hours" instead of "1900", don't say "10-9" with a bad attitude and act like you couldn't comprehend what I meant. I may say it a little different than you are used to but, you get it. Now get over it. #6 when I read back the plate numbers/letters to you before giving you the registration information, ("Plate 1 Adam Boy Charles, 2-3-4 is clear and current to John Doe out of Burbank" ) don't complain to my trainer, that it takes too long for me to get to whether the car is stolen or not. A) You need to know that I got the plate right and B) I timed it, the extra 3 seconds it takes for me to read the plate, is not going to kill you, and you're not going to lose the vehicle in that amount of time. Oh, and here is a little secret Officer Too Much Cologne, I may have changed the way I read back plates, to please you, but you better believe, if that car comes back 10-8-51 I am going to read the plate back first, so you don't get jacked up over nothing. And finally (for now) #7 If I kick butt, calling out, writing out and documenting near-perfectly, my first big pursuit, don't nit-pick on what amounts to tiny minuscule ways of how I say things, for example, an officer marginally involved complained: "You said, 'Adam 2 with a unit to fill.' Here we are used to the dispatcher saying, 'Adam 2 AND a unit to fill.' Um, yeah thanks, like that really matters, when the poop hits the fan. AAAAAARRRRGGGHHHH. Back when I was in training, the Wonderful PD officers used to nit-pick me for doing things the "Huge PD" way? I felt they hated me? One time they had just finished complaining about me, and their former Full Time dispatcher, "T", came in to work Per Diem. They were soooo excited to see her, and so nice to her, I felt like crap. And my surpervisor told me, that they used to pick on her too. Now, when I work Per Diem at WPD, they are happy to see me, it's funny. I love it, too. At least I am appreciated at one of my two agencies! :) OK, thank you all, I am done venting for now. Wow, I feel much better!

I had I should finally start having some more to write, on my days off. (Fri-Sunday). Sometimes I get writer's block but I actually have the opposite problem right now; I have sooooo many stories to share with you, they're starting to mentally pile up on me. Man, I got some funny ones, and a bizarre one or two. I have a robbery, in progress, a pursuit, some goofy animal complaints and the most insane situation involving my husband as the RP. I can't wait to share them with you. Oh! And the "dye-pack" story.... Check back with me on Saturday. Til then, be safe out there!

Little Man's Version of the Christmas Story

Grandma and Grandpa got Little Man a Nativity scene playset. Little Man tossed Jesus in the back of his toy truck and replaced Mary and Joseph with a Police Man, and a Firefighter. He is only 15 months old, so obviously he is a genius. He decided, the baby Jesus could be better protected if kept on the move, the Police Man could guard the manger, and the Firefighter could be on hand lest a donkey knock over a candle. Brilliant.

When play time was over, we compromised; I put the family back into the manger, but the police man stayed to stand watch.

Ohhhhhhhhh, Baracuda!

So I was called to testify at a trial, which in my opinion is beyond stupid. Cops opinions on situations, matter, but not mine! As a 911 operator and dispatcher, I live by the motto, "They tell me, I tell you, you go." If you want to know what was said, go pull the tape, I am not paid to have original thoughts. So I had never testified before and I was feeling pretty confident. Even though the event in question had occurred months back, I had reviewed the call and by some miracle of God I actually remembered it as well. So I was up on the stand, and this 12 year old ADA begins questioning me. He was so green, stuttering and paper rifling, but I wasn't concerned, I had truth, memory and notes on my side. He finally sits down and this horrible female defense attorney stands up. Now I have seen enough episodes of Law and Order, and I was thinking I was prepared for anything. Besides, I barely did anything on this call. This lady called 911 and said her friend "Ted" just left the AA meeting drunk. Way to go Ted. So she gives us Ted's address and this is like the millionth "BOL for a possible deuce heading to XX location" I have given out. This one, however, is the only one where the "where's a cop when you need him" didn't apply. What I mean by that is; how many drunks have you seen on the road and wished a cop was around, but come on, lets be honest there just aren't enough of them to go around. I digress, so a Sgt. happened to be in the area and witnessed Ted pull into his driveway, then Ted walked into his private residence. The Sgt. and several other officers, based on the RPs info, contacted Ted, deemed he was drunk, then since the Sgt. had witnessed him driving they then arrested him on a DUI charge. Flash forward to this Defense Lady (or Dragon Lady. Either way she will be called DL.) So she stands up and is all syrupy at first, but I am ready for her. I remain calm and remember not to elaborate, just answer the question, (thanks Jack McMcoy!) Then the DL starts hammering me out of no where about what did I say and how did I say it. Then the worst thing happened. I remembered something while I was sitting on the stand that I had forgotten. So the second I said, "Wait, I just remembered...." She latched on to me like the blood sucking leech she was. Finally, exasperated, I said, "With all due respect, (not much), why don't you just pull the tape, if you want to know what I said and how I said it?" She went deadly still and pouted for a while before dismissing me. Soooooooooo, after sitting through the rest of the trial, me, the Sgt. and three other officers, were standing in the hall. We were discussing this female cop, who I will call "Jill" and I said to the guys, "That woman is an evil vindictive, b-i-t-c-h, who would eat her own young if given the chance. Right?" I couldn't figure out why they all went silent. I spun around and came nose to nose with the Dragon Lady. It's one of those moments where you feel all awkward but you know, the socially acceptable thing to do would be for both parties to ignore the comment and pretend/hope it wasn't overheard. Yeah, but that's just not me. So she is just staring at me and I say, "I wasn't talking about you, you know..." She just glared/huffed and stalked right by me. Guess I'll never know if it was because she overheard and thought I was gossiping about her or if it was because her probable cause hearing went down in flames. Either way, the good guys won.


PS. I get to take a break from training tomorrow night and work at Wonderful PD. Yeah!!!! Oh my beloved 10 codes I will see you soon. It is going to be soooo nice to not suck at dispatching again for a whole night.

Some Dispatchers (ME!!!) Should Remain in Their Seats...

Hello! As you may have guessed I threw myself headlong into training and that is why I haven't posted in a while. The prayers definitely have helped! I am doing sooooo much better. It is still hard and I have a ways to go, but my new trainer is confident in my eventual success. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to go to work soon, so I'll post more on Friday. Quick story first: I got called out into "the field" to assist an officer with a translation. (American Sign Language) The call came out as Eval for 5150. There was a possiblly homeless deaf woman who had brought in all of her property and sat down at a table inside of a carpet store and wasn't leaving. We were trying to determine if she was mentally fit and able to care for herself, how can we help her etc., Long story short, after TWO HOURS of interpreting I realized all the lady wanted, was help finding the right bus to catch! She just happened to have all of her worldly possesions with her because she was looking for an apartment. It wasn't my fault, she was giving me so much extra info, the idea got lost, but wow that officer must have thought I was the worst translator in the world!

Psssst.....I Have a Secret....

I am in way over my head. I am totally out of depth. When I interviewed for this position, I ASSumed that since Close to Home PD is the same size as Evil and Wonderful PD, it must have about the same amount of radio traffic/difficulty. I was way wrong. Close to Home is insanely, exponentially more busy than either of my recent agencies. Oh, sure I have the experience, technically. If I had come straight from Huge PD, I'd have my poop down in no time. But truthfully, in the middle of the nights at Wonderful PD, I watch DVDs and read books. I have time for Bible study and catching up on emails. At close to home, it is constant go go go go. I barely have time to catch my breath. The officers run stops back to back, there are 4 times as many officers as I am used to, as I am trying to catch up entering them into the CAD they all start calling out warrant/DL checks and I haven't even BEGUN to attempt doing phones at the same time. Also, at my other agency, WPD, I know the officer's voices like a family member. So even if someone keys the mike and just utters one syllable, I know who it was. CPD, not only do I only recognize one voice, (and that is ONLY because he sounds identical to my Uncle Jerry), but unassigned units are constantly popping up. So, say I have on all my normal Adam units and 2 Sams. On top of that the detectives (Idas) and Mcops, (Noras) sometimes, off duty so they just call out their badge number. I don't trust that I really heard what I thought I heard, so I look up at my line up. I KNOW I heard a three, I have an ADAM three, so I doubt myself and call that out and inevitably I get, "I said NORA THREE!" Oh, add on that we have overlap, so we have 1A1 working when 3A1, is working (times 1-5) and they cut off the first number. I don't recognize their names so HOW ON EARTH AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO THEY ARE?????? Sure if they cut themselves off I can just say, "Ten 4 Adam 1" but I REFUSE to say 10-4 until I know exactly what is going on for officer safety issues. Plus it really matters for the computer's side. Add in the stress of learning a whole new code/beat/computer system, the fact that as a Per Diem employee I can only work 936 hours a year and those are rapidly being eaten up in training, and finally the most important point of this post: they thought I was going to walk right in the door, learn the codes and computer and start working right away, so I have massive unspoken pressure each time I screw up. And know what? Right now, I MASSIVELY SUCK as a dispatcher trainee. (Don't even count the fact that I have a CA cop husband, and they keep getting killed, I had my 1 year old in the emergency room for high fever this weekend, I memorize an entire script and perform as a main character every Sunday at church during our 40 days of Purpose campaign, (which I love) am the newly designated head of the Drama Ministry, teach an American Sign Language class on Monday nights, Bible Study on Tuesdays and I am coming down with a cold. ) Those factors do not and really, should not matter to CPD. I am telling you, honestly the only real pressure I am feeling is to succeed at work. The other things are being given over to God and He is handling them just fine. I think it's time to hand Him this one last thing, because, without help I am drowning and I really need this job. I CAN do this. They are training a girl right off the street with no experience. Aren't I better and more qualified? Yes, I am. So, I have scrapped my "come and go as I please/barely 20 hours a week" training that I was doing, and today at 4pm I start with a new trainer, full time, 10 hours a day with Friday- Sunday off. I have moved my ASL class to across the street on my lunch break (at my In-Laws house), I switched Bible Study from Tuesdays to Sundays and rehearsals/memorization for Drama have been moved until AFTER the stress of the work week is over, on Fridays/Saturdays. Can't do anything about the cop/husband and the 1 year old (nor would I want to!) This Sunday I finally filled out a Prayer request card for this, so the whole congregation is praying for me to do well. So guys, today I start fresh and committed. As Chris says, it's sh-- or get off the pot time and gosh darn it I want to sh--!!!!!! (Biiiiiiiiiiiiigggg deep cleansing breath...) Here goes.......(To Be Continued)

Micro-CHiP

A CHP friend of ours bought Little Man this authentic little CHiPie uniform blouse. Isn't he the cutest tiny cop in the world?????


Today is my birthday. Yup, I was born on Halloween, and I'd like you to give me a present. Pretty please won't you tell me what your all time favorite costume was? I'll start. I loved my costume the year I was Ophelia after she drowned. I had just taken a stage make up class so it was pretty grusome. Can't wait to hear from ya all!!!!

10:01

I am fine until one minute after 10 am. At one minute past the hour, my eyes slide past Little Man's laughing face to the digital clock behind him on the table. In my mind, I know it's no big deal he just forgot to call, his cell battery died, or there is no reception. I know this, but I can't help but notice it is 10:01. He is often late, and that alone never worries me. 2 hours? 3 or 4? That is fine, he probably arrested someone. But everyone has a limit and 10:01 is mine. I don't need him to walk through the door; if that was my requirement I'd have gone insane by now. But we have an agreement, and he is so good about keeping it. I need to hear his voice, or if he can't call, at least a text. Something, anything. I've left a message, but I don't like to call him. I don't want to bother him. I am afraid someone else will answer. It's 10:15. Every car that passes the window in our quiet cul-de-sac draws my eyes. Little Man walks over to the front door, in that little drunken sailor way he has, and pounds on it, saying "Da Da?" I laugh and grab him in a bear hug, saying, "You're right! Daddy will be home very soon." I set him down with his toys and sit down to play with him. It's 10:30 and I can feel the tension building in my neck and shoulders. I begin a mental checklist, calmly and slowly. Just in case. I think back to the papers recently filled out and I know my Pastor would come. I know Chris' office would take the time to track him down. I try to prepare myself for how a knock on the door would feel, just in case. I imagine who it would be, which friend would be chosen for such a horrific task. I tell myself I am wise to be prepared, that it is good to have a plan. My mind withdraws farther and farther from those thoughts, never really forming an actual plan and I realize, I've hit a line, that I refuse to cross. It's 10:45, I am gathering up Little Man's toys, getting him ready for his nap. My mind is completely blank as I choose to think of nothing at all. I lay Little man down in his crib and I look down at my beautiful son. A minature version of Chris, with my dark eyes. I think about how blessed I am that, even if something bad happens, I have this perfect miracle; a part of Chris and I. It's 11:00 and I quietly close the door behind me so I don't wake up the baby. It's 11:01 and as I sit and gaze out the window, Chris' truck pulls into the driveway. I watch him, as he strides up the front walk. The key is in the lock, it turns and the door opens. I don't say a word. He looks at me and he has no idea what I am thinking. "Hey." he says. And he is so tired, and his night was so long. All of the sudden I am furious. All the tension breaks in me and I practically yell, "Why didn't you call, and don't say your cell phone died, you could have used someone elses, and don't say there was no reception because you could have used a landline! We have an agreement, remember? I need some kind of contact from you when your going to be this late." And I hate the tone in my voice, but I can't stop it. I pride myself on being the best cop's wife I can for him, so even as the words come out I regret them. "Check your phone." Chris says quietly. I scroll through the messages and I see the text: IT'S 10:00 AND I AM GOING TO BE LATE. I LOVE YOU. I'LL SEE YOU SOON. I'm sorry for my mini meltdown and apologize for the outburst. If this happens again I will try to remember to not freak out....But everyone has a limit and 10:01 is mine.

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Last night a Sacramento S.O. Deputy was shot and killed. Again. That makes the third Police Officer in California this week. It is escalating. And I am so tired. So very tired of seeing black bands on Officer's Badge's.

Mary, Ocean, Robert, Ocean, Nora

Ever since falling madly in love with Super Troopers some years back, I love to hear RPs read the letters in plates or VINs out phonetically. (Remember Farva? "Peanut, Eunich....") Anyway I had a humdinger of an RP yesterday and even though my trainer was listening in, I couldn't resist asking this guy to give me the letters on the vin of his stolen vehicle, like that, "You know, Sir, if you come to a "C" you say cat, stuff like that..." "Oh, ok" he replies, quickly, and I think it will be interesting but I wasn't prepared to have to mute him so he wouldn't hear me gufawing.

Here goes:

M.o.r.o.n Guy: OK, I lost the plate. So the Vin number is: Jump, Cathy---

Me: Wait is that with a "C" or a "K"?

MG: "C ." Then, Adult, Wiffle Ball,

Me: Do I count the "Ball?"

MG: No. Then there are some numbers. Then the letter----

Me: Hang on. Go ahead and give the numbers to me also.

MG: OK. Two, um that starts with "T" like Tom

Me: Um, no just the letters phonetically

MG: Oh, OK Tom, Waffle, Oscar,

Me: Wait stop. Are you giving me new letters or are you spelling out the number two ????

MG: But I thought I----

Me: Let me explain again how to do this......[I explain again]

MG: "Got it. [tells me the #s] G as in Garbanzo beans, P like, oh, man...

Me: Paul? And let me guess, don't count the beans...

MG: Wow, you are really good at that! Ok, P like Paul---

Me: Another P? Or the same P?

MG: Another one. T like....Tea, B, like Bee...

Me: I am gonna just stop you there because now we have way to many numbers/letters.

MG: Oh, OK, from the beginning J like Jaywalking-----

Me: Just stop. Here is what we are going to do. Just say the letter and I will ask you if I can't tell what it is.

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My trainer must have thought that I was the real moron!

And now here is the cherry on my ice cream o' fun:

Moron Guy: Wait there is one other thing. I got a warning notice in the mail that if I don't move the vehicle soon, it will be fined for 72 hour abatement.

Me: The stolen vehicle you are reporting?

Moron: Yeah, what should I do?

Me: Weeeeeellll since the vehicle has been stolen, that means technically it has been moved, so how about we just don't worry about that right now.

Moron: (Doubtfully) ...OK....

I said it before, and I'll say it again....I LOVE MY JOB.

The Keyboard Can be a Dangerous Thing....

So, I am still sick. My doc thought I had mono, but turns out it was just a really bad viral infection crossed with a Sinus infection. I was so relieved to hear it wasn't mono cuz I had mono one time and it turned into meningitis and I lost my whole memory. That sucked. I digress. Since I have been off work for over a week, I got nothing new. However, I totally forgot to share my two favorite "Huge PD" stories! I may have already shared this, but I couldn't find it in my archives, so if you have heard this one before, chalk it up to the Nyquil, K? Here goes:

One time I was working the relief frequency and I sent a message around the room asking if anyone wanted a "quickie" which was what we called a bathroom break. One of the other dispatchers stands up and yells over to me, " You just sent that to every officer on the whole shift." Which was about 30+ officers. Needless to say I got quite a few MDT messages back. So many in fact, it flooded our system and I finally had to log off, in utter shame and humiliation.

Flash forward a few months I was down in the sally port gabbing with my favorite LT. I told him the above Hall of Shame moment and after he laughed, he said, "Yeah well that is nothing, I heard about this one dispatcher who didn't realize her mike was keyed and she was going on and on for so long, about her Friday night plans!" "Oh, yeah...." I replied, "That was me too...." And as he stared at me open mouthed, I added, "And for the record it was my Saturday night plans...." Ugh, mortifying!

[PS I looooove Deputy Weigel from Reno 911, but anyone else out there think they should add an insane dispatcher? Just me? OK, crawling back into my hole now.]

What am I Supposed to Think????

Those fishnets, those sassy heels, that naughty garter, I just don't know how I am supposed to take this... Ewe think ewe know someone and then something like this happens.....

Marriage in Crisis

After almost 10 years of marriage, TEN YEARS, this happens. What do I do? Do I confront him? Do I ask him if this is a one time thing? Was he just curious? Why did he save it? I am so confused. And a little jealous. This is real, I really did find the following picture saved among hundreds of recent pictures of Little Man. This is just.... I don't know what to say. I know he meets unsavory characters on his job. I know he gets propsitioned. But to have something like this in our own home. Did he meet her out there on the streets? How can I ever trust him again...Is she prettier than me? Smarter? What do you think of her?

Sick as a Dog

Oh man, we are so sick here in the 5150 Household! First Little Man got sick, then Chris, then me, then Chris got better and Little Man and I got worse. Ugh, I feel like my head is going to explode. Poor Little Man acts like we are sucking out his brains every time we use that nasal bulb thingy, (we call it the nose goblin retriever, I'm not sure what normal people call them). So Chris decides to see what all the fuss is about and he tried the bulb thingy on himself. He says, "Wow that is pretty horrible....But it does work. And I am not going to try that again." So, I will be back to post more soon, but for now, I am going to crawl back to bed with my new best friend, Green Death Flavored Nyquil.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

I am an Ass

I cannot believe how dumb I was yesterday. File this one under "What was I thinking????" I was tired of squeaking in under the wire at my new job so I left super early. I got stuck behind this stupid semi truck on a deserted farm road. I fumed and then when I got into what I thought was the city I work in, I thought to myself, all my guys are in breifing, I can just pass this guy in the turning lane, no one will even notice at this hour. WRONG. Turns out I wasn't into "my" city yet. The SECOND I went to pass this truck (but I mean come one he was going 20 in a 50 zone...) Bam, lights and sirens behind me. I rolled down the window and said loudly to the approaching officer, "I am an ass!" All of the sudden he, listens to his portable, pulls his gun out and backs up, getting behind his car door. Turns out his dispatcher told him the plate was stolen. Not all dispatchers can be good, I guess. He approached cautiously and said, "Is your plate stolen?" And I said, (really good and pissed at his dispatcher, because of him/her, this officer is all jacked up and he has his gun out.) I yelled to him, "If your dispatcher was worth their salt, they would have said "one LOST, or stolen plate." I don't know if it was lost or stolen, it was just gone one day." At this point his dispatcher must have told him about my PD plates so he finally put his gun away and bawled me out for the illegal passing. I deserved that, but I am still fuming about the dispatcher's mistake. But hey, at least I didn't get a ticket! Learn from my mistakes: 1) I am not above the law just because I am married to a cop and work for a PD. 2) Don't walk into your brand new job proclaiming, "I would have been on time had I not been pulled over at gun point by the fuzz." They really look at you funny and it kinda makes you look bad....

The Crime of the Century

So I did a ride along with Close to Home PD and I had a lot of fun. This city would be considered a smaller sized one than many, with a population of about 70,000, and though there are many farms, and no malls it is growing fast. Among the brand new $400,000+ homes are the older ramshackle ones, the city probably wishes they could bulldoze. Main arrests here are for DUI, drugs, warrants and various 415s (disturbing the peace.) The majority of officer initiated radio calls are for traffic stops, but there is also a steady flow of citizens calling for service as well. Rarely does it seem there is a clear screen with nothing holding. I digress, so I am on my ride along with Officer Smiley and a call comes out for Js who were throwing bricks at cars and are now hiding in the cornfield, evading the SROs (school resource officers.) So we high-tailed it over there and when we show up there are about 5 patrol cars already there. Officer Smiely finds the last remaining suspect and as I watch from the car, all the officers cheer and start closed knuckling each other, (you know like high fives only apparently these days that is too much contact for manly men so they do the knuckle to knuckle thing?) And I am hiding a smile because their enthusiasm is endearing to me, (I can't picture Chris closed knuckling anyone after his first or third near miss shooting, and this was just finding some punks in a cornfield!) Turns out one of the guys has a $50,000 want for forgery and when the dispatcher tells the guys this, another round of knuckle knocking ensues. So I am watching this one officer pat down the 1015 (SIC) for weapons, and as the officer sticks his hand into the guys jacket pocket, he calls out to the other officer, "Wait, wait I think we've got something here..." Let me mention here that for this town, 5 police cars and about 7 cops, a detective and a K9 unit on the side of one of the busiest intersections in town is drawing quite the crowd of rubber neckers. Traffic is crawling as the citizens hope to see something juicy. I am thinking to myself, hey maybe for once they will see a show, just as the Officer pulls out a smooshed Big Mac and holds it up high in the air for all to see. "I've got him folks, I have got the Hamburglar!!!!!!!!!!" I think I am going to like these guys!

Can I go Home Now? My Brain is Full....

So I started at Close to Home PD yesterday (CPD) and I feel like I am going insane. Per dieming at Evil and Wonderful PD at the same time is very easy because the phones, codes, computers, pretty much everything besides the unit call signs are identical. Now at CPD the only thing the same as EPD/WPD is the Vesta phone system. Get this; the officers use 8 and 9 codes on the air, the computers take 5 and six codes to enter the call, but when the dispatcher says the call we use the penal codes...but no, wait sometimes we use 9 codes and the officers use penal codes...Huh????????????? It is so overwhelming. On top of feeling like I am listening to a foreign language, they use a beat system that is like liquid; it changes from hour to hour depending on how many officers are available. So for each call, even if you have worked there for years you, pick up a 5 page beat grid, look up the thomas guide # from the CAD screen, check the grid, then go to the line that has shows how many beats there are and scan across....blah blah blah blah, who cares. The point is: it is very time consuming and bizarre to me. Then there are the cool things. Every call's disposition is cleared with Y or N (report or no report.) That is awesome because you don't have to wade through a gazillion dispo choices. I love that officers here make their own call backs for RPs instead of calling me on the phone and having me call for them, which always leads to me tying up the air with, "caller needs to know....." questions. And fianlly my personal favorite so far; no constant tedious logging; what I mean is like prisoner milage and stuff, the officer says it on the air and my trainer said 10-4 but then she didn't type anything. I said, "Don't you have to log that?" She said, nope it is all recorded and I was like, SWEET! Now back to the negative, and sorry I am dumping so much, especially since I am really enjoying myself and am thankful for this opportunity, but if I can't vent to you guys, what is the point of this blog, right? Cool, alright, continuing on.... I am used to 10 codes, so it is really hard to listen to units doing common things and not understanding what they mean. It feels like they are talking gibberish (I can't even say what is you 20! ) So far the absolute hardest thing is all the different codes and the seemingly radomn/unrelated-ness of them. For example, if it is a burglary, why can't I say, "459" and then punch into the computer "459"? Nope I tell them it is a 933, knowing it is a 459 but put 581 into the computer. Isn't that crazy? And finally the all time WORST new thing about learning their "language": the keyboard is different! The keyboard! Just a few examples being, the enter key and the shift key are reversed, there are no scroll up/down keys and there is no delete key. It is so awkward. I mean it's kind of like a telling a baseball player that from now on he has to hit with his bat upside down---Sure if he is good, he can adapt but it will always feel wrong. It is really, really frustrating. I am really looking forward to knowing my shiznit again; I don't like the feeling of being lost and unconfident. What was cool was, within hours of starting, my trainer told a room full of people that I was, "ridiculously adept" and catching on really fast. Nice to get praise so soon, especially in front of cops. Well that is pretty much it for now. Next post I will tell you about my hilarious ride along. Goodnight!

PS: Amazing how one thing never changes, from agency to agency. I have gone from one end of the state of California to the other in my short illustrious dispatching career, and what was my first call? "I didn't call 911!" (Smile) Yup, I can do this.

The Life of Riley

It is time for me to tell Riley's tale (tail?). HotRodHanna's found kitten story inspired it.

Once upon a time in a land far far away there was a Princess/Dispatcher who felt like she lived way up on the sixth floor of the communications "tower." The fair dispatcher was called Rebecca. One night, very late, a young gang banger OD'd and died in his apartment. The young gang banger was not alone in his room, he had his new puppy in there too. An AKC red nosed pitt bull that he was going to use for breeding and intimidation. The young banger lived in an area where dog fighting and tying bricks around your Pitt's neck to bulk it up were common practices. What was to become of this poor puppy? Finally a hero arrived. The police were called in by a family member and a kind hearted officer rescued the puppy. The kind police officer could not keep her so he did a very wise thing; he sent a message via MDT to all the dispatchers in the whole tower that read, "Anyone want a 2 month old female puppy?" Now, the second I, er Rebecca saw this message her heart began to race. Rebecca thought, surely in a room full of 20+ dispatchers someone else will ante up......but just in case she wrote back, "If no one else takes her, I will." And held her breath as she hit the "send" key. Rebecca thought to herself, well even if I bring her home, I can find a home for her, I have found homes for nine other foster/rescue dogs so far, I can certainly place one more! After some time had passed Rebecca breathed a sigh, mixed with disappointment and relief, hardly missing a beat as she brought up the blinking message on the bottom of her screen that read, "She is all yours." Rebecca blinked in surprise. Oh my gosh what have I done? She thought, staring at the message. Slowly Rebecca got up for her break and called her husband, oh I mean, Prince. Rebecca was not worried about her Prince's reaction, after all five years ago, he had been the one to rescue and bring home 2 of their other dogs. Problem was; 1 planned dog (Xena) + one puppy abandoned at Walmart (Gabby) + one puppy abandoned in a Church bathroom (Bailey) + "a two month old female foster puppy yet to be named" = a Prince and a Princess who are out numbered 2 to 1! Oh well Rebecca thought, bring it on! Thus a 3 dog household became a 4 dog household and now 4 years later, they all live HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

Good Week or Bad Week?????

Chris has been shot at THREE times this week! Can you believe that. So last night after the second time, the Sgt. calls a critical debriefing and tells everyone to be real careful, the city is going to crap, etc.,(homicides last year at this time were at 57 this year there are already over 100), and not 5 minutes after Chris and his partner leave the station they get shot at again! I am thinking now is a good time to play the lottery! Tonight is his friday. One more night and I can relax for 2 days. Just one more night, one more night, one more night, onemorenightonemorenightonemorenight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yikes...That IS Pretty Bad....

So my husband was grumbling about being forced to partner up all next month with this guy we will call "J."

Me: Come on Chris, he can't be that bad, can he?

Chris: He pulled his asp out during the last code 3 cover call.

Me: Well that's good, shows he is not afraid to use it....

Chris: IT WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A SHOOT OUT!!!!!

Me: Holy crap!......So how much sick time do you have saved up?

Tell Me, You Did NOT Just Say That !

When Chris got out of the police academy, I had already been a dispatcher for almost 2 years, so I found some of his early snafus and mishaps quite funny and endearing. One day while Chris was still on "break in", he came home from a long day and told me the following story. He and his FTO were on the freeway running out plates, so he could practice his phonetics and get used to giving information to the dispatchers over the radio. He called in a plate, that had the above image in the center of it. (Note: when calling out a plate like this, you ignore the images, and read them out like they aren't even there.) Well, Chris not knowing how to read it, said: "Sam, Adam, Mary......(Huge open mic'd pause)....Kid's tiny hand......One, two, three." While he told me about the massive ammount of radio clicks he got and how his Training Officer's jaw dropped, I about wet myself laughing.
Hmmm.....Maybe you have to be a California dispatcher/cop to find this funny.... [Bet you "got" why this was so funny, huh Hotrodhanna?] Shoot, howdy I'd a paid a lot to have seen his dispatcher's reaction!

The Ideal Place to Send Some of my RPs......

Finally, I can send some of those, seemingly un-help-able citizens to a place, where they can get the help the truly deserve, er, need.....

Please Hold While I Transfer You To.....Anyone But Me

A caller today said, "I have a general question that is quite specific...." I just didn't have the patience and immediately transfered her to the records clerk. Does that make me an ass, since that poor lady is overworked/underpaid. Yeah, but I'd do it again in a heart beat! Mwoooha ha ha ha!!!!!! (Evil laughter)

SWAT (Sit, Wait, and Talk)

Oldie but goodie from HPD: If you are going to call out a full SWAT assignment and yell out commands for hours and hours on your mega-phone-thingy to an armed and dangerous suspect, holed up inside his home.......MAKE SURE HE IS ACTUALLY THERE!!!!! 16 hour stand off ended when they raided the house, only to find it empty. The suspect didn't slip out un-noticed; he was never there! Whoops.

This is Pitt Bull-@#$%

This is my message for today: "People of earth: not every dog running loose in the streets is a Pitt Bull! I understand you are frightened but when you tell me the dog out your window is blonde with floppy ears, you are describing a lab and when you tell me it is a big black dog with tan dots over its eyes that is called a Rottweiler. Do you people not understand that Chows are the most dangerous dogs known to man? Sure they look like fuzzy teddy bears but they are insane....Where was I? Oh, yes, when you, citizens of the towns I work in, claim in hushed tones that the barking dog you can't see 6 streets over is a Pitt Bull, all respect I had for you goes out the window. As my annoyance grows, so does the time you will have to wait for an officer to respond. If you only knew that your amatuer dog breed analysis, made me react slower instead of faster, perhaps you would keep your Pitt hating comments to yourself." OK I am done with my rant. I know there are some mean Pitt Bulls out there, I get that, but that is usually because of bad owners and yes, sometimes bad breeding, but to write off and entire type of dog is just lame. To back up my claim, I have added a few pictures of Riley. She is my widdle cuddle bunny and she LOVES kids. I don't leave them alone together, I am not a moron, but I also don't live in fear of her attacking. Please show a little love to a breed that has gotten a bad rap.

Does That Make Me Craaaaazy?....Probably....

So I had my psych eval for "Close to Home PD" (CPD). And it went just fine. There are so many questions on those tests that you just wonder if anyone is ever stupid enough to be completely honest about them. I mean seriously, if a person did harbor secret attractions to small woodland creatures, has anyone ever marked the "True" bubble? I'm guessing, yes. My absolute favorite question of all the 2000+ questions was:

"My drug problem has never been an issue with my family life."

True! No wait, false cause I don't have a drug problem... No wait, if I say false it means it has been a problem.....Where is the "N/A" box????

Maybe I am 5150.....

True of False question on my Psych Eval today:


I am terrified in a windstorm.



..................Say what?

I am just curious if I had said yes, does that make me unfit to dispatch police officers? Perhaps just during windstorms.....More later.

11-99 Officer Down

I don't know what to say, I am not OK, today. Another CHP officer was killed a few days ago. This is a friend of my husband's. Someone he knew in the Marine Corps. We will travel to attend his funeral on Thursday. His wife is a former Marine wife, cop wife and police dispatcher, just like me. She is living my worst nightmare. Pray for the CHiPies, they are understaffed and overworked, and lately, they are dropping like flies.

Things That Make You Go.....What The ------????

I asked an RP of the guy who robbed him: "What race was he? White, Black, Hispanic or Asian?" and he replied, "Yes, that is right!"....Ummmm...I didn't know how to rephrase that question to make it more clear...

Malfunction, Malfunction, Malfunction

True story from when I was at Huge PD: Imagine a massive SWAT call out, with a dangerous felon barricading himself inside a small house, reportedly armed to the teeth. Wisely the decision was made to send in the new ultra high tech, majorly expensive robot. The plan was, that one of the specially trained SWAT members would remotely control the robot into the house, and over a radio built into the robot, the suspect would be given instructions to place the weapons onto a tray-like recepticale attached to the front of the robot, thus safely diffusing the situation. Unfortunately the plan was foiled, when after being deployed into the house, the ultra high tech, majorly expensive robot got tangled up in the suspect's drapes.

Oh, Little Radio Console, So Brave and True....

I sure missed coming to work this week! I know, I know, you think I am a total whack job, but me and Danger (not his real name, it's his middle name), have been sick and I have been completely stir crazy at home! Tonight, (and tomorrow night, and Friday night), I am working at Wonderful PD. I love it here. Just the fact that there is a bathroom here in dispatch, makes me love this place! What can I say, I am easily satisfied!

Officer "M" just brought his K9, into dispatch without warning me. I just saw this hulking form come running in. Then he jumped on me and slurped my face. I just about peed my pants. I keep telling him, you gotta warn me! Love that dog though. I have four big dogs at home, and so the K9 is always facinated with sniffing my shoes.

Not much happenin' here tonight, but I won't say the "Q" word, just in case. Is it just me, or does any other dispatcher out there, just hate getting barking dog and other noise complaints on 911? Even though I am the only one here, I still make them call back on the non emergency number most of the time, just for the principal of it. Well, that is all for now, til later!

This Actually Happened...

If you go out on a traffic stop with your FTO and he is standing on the sidewalk waiting for you to finish, for such a long time that a snail crawls up his pant leg, leaving a big long silvery trail on his navy blue uniform, I think it would be appropriate to offer to pay his dry cleaning bill.......

I'm in Love With a Cop

As a cops wife, there are so many times, all I can do to help Chris deal with a tragic call, is listen. (I can just hear him reading this and telling me, he doesn't need any help!) I think being a police dispatcher, and understanding on some level what he is going though day to day, is a really good thing. But sometimes I can do something to make my husband feel better. I have been with my husband for nine years and back when he was an active Marine and we were younger, (when we got married, he was 19, I was 21), I really sucked at being "there" for him. I wasn't mean, I was just a space cadet, wrapped up in my own little world, I guess, (Luckily I was a little hottie, so that hopefully made up for it a bit.) Now that he is a cop, I try to learn from how lame I was before, and do all I can to be there for him. He is not a big talker with most people, but he does tell me things. The best thing I can do for him is listen and not comment. Sometimes that is very hard for me; it is something I have to actively refrain from doing. That and also I have a touch of ADD so I have to concentrate and focus. That being said, when there are those rare times, I feel I can actively do something to help, I really want to do it. A recent example:

Danger is 11 months old and he and I had plans, just the two of us, for a gold old-fashioned road trip, to go visit the grandparents, south of us. Plans made waaaaaaay in advance. Days before we were set to leave, Chris' assisted on an fatal traffic accident. When he arrived the mom was running back and forth in traffic holding her dead baby, screaming for Chris and the other officer to save him. A baby that was just a couple of months older than Danger. I was surprised Chris shared this with me, and I did the only thing I could think of to put his mind at ease and sooth him, even if just a little. Danger and I took the train. I hope it helped.

I Had the Right To Remain Stupid

I got pulled over by one of my own officers...sort of. I made a left turn out of the Crap in the Box even though "Right Turn Only" was posted. I saw the sign, but I thought, who is going to notice at 3:45 in the morning? My Officer, noticed. He pulls up beside me and does the universal hand motion for "Roll-your-friggin' window down" realizes it's me and rolls his eyes as he speeds off. Oops.

Get Me a Rolling Chair and a Big Gulp---Stat !

I have to take a physical. Again. Last physical I took to become a dispatcher at EPD was ridiculous. I am not talking the drug screen and the deep knee bends, I mean the fact that I had to run on a treadmill, at a 45 degree incline for 5 minutes. Now, I am going to go out on a limb here and say, I don't think there will ever be a time that I, as a dispatcher will be in a foot pursuit. You want a real dispatcher physical? Give me a chair with wheels and watch how fast I can roll from one console to the next. Give me a 44oz Super Big Gulp from 7-11 and watch the epic amount of time I can "hold it." Make me lift 5 pound DOJ handbooks, or give me 100 sunflower seeds to shell in 2 minutes, but a treadmill, puh-leeze!

Fore !

If you are going to try and out run the police can you not do it in a stolen golf cart? You had to know we would catch you, that thing topped out at like 15 miles per hour.

Allow Myself to Explain.....Myself

I previously called myslf a free agent, I am afraid I am not as cool as that implies. I used to work for "Wonderful PD" from here on out "WPD" but I was laid off due to budget issues. WPD is so awesome that they called over to their sister city "Evil PD" (EPD) and asked them to give me a job. I then became per diem (hourly) at WPD and full time at EPD. After almost dying giving birth to Danger, I stepped down from FT at EPD and now per diem for them as well. The drive is way too far to work as many hours, as I have been lately, so after an amazingly long backgrounds, I was just hired at "Close to Home PD" (CPD) this Friday. That is if I can pass the Psych and medical. I used to live really close to Evil and Wonderful PD but we could not afford to buy a house in this area so right before Danger was born, last August, we moved 75 miles away. So after that massively long version of why I call myself a free agent it all comes down to: because starting in September I will work for three different PDs. Ironically I still work FT most weeks but now I work whenever I want, I take whole weeks off without having to sign up for it and I make more per hour, than I did as FTer. I am very lucky my husband's PD has amazing health care coverage. EPD and WPD share a radio frequency so sometimes I call the units each others identifiers, but not too often. WPD and EPD also have identical CAD systems and phone systems, so besides knowing where the heck I am, it is very easy to go back and forth between the agencys. Here comes the confusing part. CPD's only shared feature with the other two PDs is they all use Vesta phones. Not only do they use completely different computers, they do not use 10 codes. Not even 10-4! They use 9 codes. So beginning in September I will share with you how difficult it is to work at such absolutely different places at the same time. Oh, I forgot to mention EPDs comm center got sold out to a different agency so after about November, I will only work at WPD and CPD.
When I came from Huge PD (HPD) to WPD originally, it was very hard to learn to multi-task. Answering the radio, business lines and 911 seemed absolutely impossible the first month or two, but I got it now. I think it is harder to go from one agency to the next than to start fresh with no previous experience, because I have ingrained habits that I've had to break. Also I have found that my previous experience has worked against me with some officers. They want to know why I am not up to speed immediatley since I have done the job before. Also EPD officers don't like WPD officers, so some were mean to me at first because I came from there. Petty! Anyone else's agency ever feel like High School? Well, hope that explained some stuff. Til later!

Define Irony....

Does anyone else find the following ironic: I am driving the 75 miles to work tonight and every few moments I notice giant ELECTRIC signs, normally used for Amber Alerts, that say:

FLEX YOUR POWER CALIFORNIA
SAVE ENERGY

Hmm.... 20 plus billboards with about 200 tiny light bulbs lit up on each one..... Well I think I know where some of the CA energy crisis is coming from!!!!

10851-DERFUL

If you steal a vehicle from your fellow AA member, and then when you are finished with it you drop it near his house, don't assume he won't notice it sitting there and think that you can get away with stealing it again. And if you do steal the vehicle again, don't do it right in front of your fellow AA member. This nincompoop, stole the vehicle, returned it and then stole it again all within 24 hours, only the second time the victim was standing nearby, saw it happen, chased the suspect and vehicle down the street. One of our Units driving by sees the victim pulling the suspect from the vehicle, pummelling the guy and then the vicitm jumps into his own veh. Unfortunately not having been included in the goings on, the unit thinks he is witnessing a carjacking and throws the registered owner to the ground. Whoops. Not to worry, it was all worked out in the end. Well for us and the victim, anyway!

PS. I am working graves tonight an shoot howdy it is busy! I had an RP call admit the only reason he was reporting these Js on the corner was because they were "colored" and "well, we just don't normally see that kind of person around here" !!! Oh my gosh, sir? You dropped your white pointy hat! You better watch out your inner Klan is showing!! I explained that term was not appropriate, but it was like talking to a brick wall. Note to brick wall: Sorry for the insult. Some people are just plain stoopid.

I Got A Little Carried Away

In CA all cell phone calls used to go directly to the CHP. Ah, those were the days. Now all cell phone calls (are supposed to), go to the agency closest to the location of the tower. Yeah right. We are constantly getting other agencies 911 cells, and other agencies are constantly getting ours, but the worst are when we get CHPs. Why? Because you can be on hold upwards of 5 minutes waiting for a 911 call to be answered. My personal record on hold with CHP was 12 minutes. It is mostly because soooo many callers are calling about the same accident. I digress, a caller reported a pile up on the 101 and then hung up before I could transfer her to CHP. Great, I thought, now I have to wait on hold forever. Maybe someone else had already called it in, but you never know. So after 6 minutes on hold I am imagining the scene of the accident in my head, thinking of how it looks and what is going on, and how there are maybe no units onscene yet, and in my head it is getting bigger and more dramatic by the minute....

And finally:

CHP: Where is the location of your emergency

Me: Hi, this is Rebecca with EPD, and I have to report a 6 car pile up!

CHP: Oh my goodness, where???

Me: Wait, wait, wait, I totally made that up, let me start over.

CHP: Made it up? (Sounding confused) What do you mean?

Me: Actually the caller said it was just two vehicles, but I was on hold so long, my imagination took over, I am sorry.

CHP: (Laughing really hard) Well, that is why we do what we do, because we have great imaginations right?

Oh my gosh, thank goodness she had a sense of humor, but boy was I embarrassed!

Perhaps I Should Have Screened That One Better...

Sometimes when it is really quiet here late at night, and 911 rings, I get all amped up. I have been known to throw my book across the room and yell, "911 WHAT IS YOUR EMERGENCY" . Then there are calls like this last one.

Me: 911 emergency

Caller: (Panting out of breath) He-is-getting-away!!!!!

Me: Sir, who is getting away? (Thinking, oh this should be a good one, I toss my smut tabloid mag down, sit up straight, adjust my headset, and wait for the unfolding drama)

Caller: I am at Bobson and Julip and he is hiding here, in the backyard, (frantic) I need help.

Me: What city are you in? (My pulse spikes because he is on a cell phone so I only have the cell tower location and I do not recognize the location.)

Caller: I am in (neigboring city)

Me: OK let me get you to the right agency's 911 line

Caller: Hurry!

Me to Other PD: EPD with a cell phone transfer, caller has an emergency at Bobson/Julip, go ahead sir.

Caller: (Panting) I am chasing my cat, and he is getting away!!!!

Not only is that a total adrenaline dump, the other agency thinks I am a complete horses ass. Thanks Mr. Inappropriate-Use-Of-911-Caller-Guy.

But We are Supposed to Be the Smart Ones....

OFF DUTY ACCIDENTAL DISCHARGE: An officer at my husband's agency accidentally shot himself in the foot and then claimed his dog did it...He says while the gun was shoved down the front of his pants, without a holster (a warning sign right there...), his dog jumped on him and pulled the trigger. A trigger with about a 2 1/2 pound pull, by the way...How lame! Didn't he get the memo that "the dog ate my homework" variations, just don't cut it in the adult world??? All the officers on his shift are chipping in for a dog muzzle.

Bonehead Criminal of the Day

If you are going to rob a convenience store, and the employee catches and throttles you, when you are lucky enough to break free, make sure you take your getaway car with you.

Moron left his personal vehicle with all his information inside of it, in the parking lot and was caught just a few hours later on foot.

If the criminals were smart, we wouldn't catch them.

Bonus Dumbass: My pastor's bills were all stolen out of his mailbox and a suspect "washed" all of the checks and cashed them. Idiot used his real name and was easily tracked down within days.

OK, it Sucks, but it is a Little Bit Funny....

One of my traffic units, we shall call her Officer Tom to protect the innocent, got injured on the job this week. I am sure it would be cool for her if when explaining her injury, she had an amazing tale to tell, full of car chases, foot pursits and daring take downs. She, does not however. Here goes what really happened:

In front of several other units, Officer Tom, closed her hand in the patrol car door, pinching a nerve, causing a pain so great she blacked out, fell down, struck her head on the pavement and received a concussion. It is unfortunate she wasn't on her motorcyle that day, as she would have been protected by her helmet...The only permenant damage was the massive blow to her ego.

Oh boy, I guarantee the ribbing she is getting, from her fellow officers is far more painful than that concussion!

647F'd

We just caught a guy outside a bar for being drunk/disorderly. He had just gotten released from county 2 hours before after serving 109 days for....being drunk....and disorderly. Are these people incapable of learning???

Sometimes, I Not Speak Too Good...

I think the "radio click" is universal as a sign of laughter. I looooove earning a click or two, I admit. Here are some of my more embarassing dispatch snafus

"Suspect is on Viagra street....correction, Niagra."

"The suspect is..... attempting to have relations with the hood of the vehicle...."

"The Christmas tree in the road is going Northbound."

"Same J's from earlier tonight....and the mayhem continues..."

"The RP is complaining of....(huge keyed mike pause while I frantically try to think of, how to say this) ..........explosive diarrhea....."

"Noise complaint; Flute player on the corner playing badly--correction loudly."

Me: A22 please respond--AAACCKKKKK (me, choking) stand--by--please...
Officer answers: (Laughing really hard) Standing by.....
Me: I am OK now.... continuing on....
(I had choked on a peanut. If I had dialed 911, I would have gotten myself....)

My personal favorite moment of shame:

Thinking I was typing to a room full of radio dispatchers I typed:
"Anyone need a quickie?" (our name for bathroom breaks)
Turns out I sent that message out over the MDTs to over 30 police officers.....Nice.
I got so many messages back our system got flooded. Mostly confused, "Whaat???"

So I go down to the Watch Commander's office and share the above story with my favorite LT, and he says, "That's nothing, I heard there was this one dispatcher who didn't know her mike was keyed, and she was going on and on about her Friday night plans!" I replied, "Um...yeah that was me too, and it was my Saturday night plans, truth be told." He just shook his head.

I am not the only one. Our guys key their mikes all the time. Recently one keyed and you could hear the officer plain as day say, "Man that last lady was STUUUPID!" Yikes. Glad I'm not the only one!

Lizzard Wranging

This just in:

Caller: Can you send me an officer, I am having a problem with a lizzard in my living room.
Me: With a lizzard?
Caller: Yes I was thinking maybe you could send me an officer to help corral the thing.
Me: (Very gently because this caller sounds very, very old and I have a soft spot for elderly callers) Well, um, quite honestly I'm not really sure what an officer could do to help with a lizzard...
Caller: Well, yeah....I was thinking they could lend some moral support.....

I ended up sending an officer. What can I say, every now and again, I am a just a big softy.

Tell 'Em the One About the Midget and the Tuna....

From June 2004

My life is wonderful. I love it. But when I go to work, often it is not that exciting. I get a lot of 911 hang ups that lead to nothing but the annoying, "I didn't call 911." replies. I really do always like to say, "Well ma'am, 911 doesn't do random house calls." And my officers work in a small sleepy town, nestled between gang land to the South, and the other city I work in "B", a wacky Twilight Zone city to the North. Chris' job however, is exciting and fast paced. He has the best stories ever. Some are sad, some are scary but some are so funny, I cry with laughter. What is really funny, (and occasionally frustrating), though is that he will regale me with these amazing, colorful tales but then when I prompt him to retell them later, it goes one of 3 ways. Every time.

#1 Me: Chris, tell them about the traffic stop with the midget.
Chris: Which one is that?
Me:You know, the one with the midget, the Hungarian waiter and......
Chris:(Blank stare) I have no idea what you are talking about.
Me: How could you forget??? The guy was holding a tuna!
Chris:Hmmm....Sorry that just doesn't ring any bells.
Me: ARRGGGHHH!!!!

#2 Me: Chris tell them the one about the midget.
Chris: Which one was that?
Me:You know the one with the Hungarian waiter and the tuna?
Chris:Oh, yeah, I stopped this Hungarian waiter and he had a big tuna.
Me: And.....(exasperated) Tell them the whole thing, you know, the midget...
Chris: Oh yeah, and when I stopped him, there was this midget in the car with him.
Me: What??!! That isn't even remotely the exciting, hilarious story you told me!
Chris: Oh, I guess I don't remember it then.

#3 Me: Tell them the one about the midget, the Hungarian waiter and the giant tuna.
Chris: I don't remember that one.
Me:Fine I will tell it. (So I launch into this wild tale, full of humor and excitement. Spellbinding the listener. Then I finish. Big. And always true to how I remember the story.)
Chris:No, that's not how it went at all. Where did you get the idea there was a possum? There was no possum. (Me, looking like a total jackass.)
Me: you said you didnt' remember!
Chris: I don't, but there definitely wasn't a possum involved.
Me:AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!

Oh well, after 9 years of marriage, (this July 4th) I am kind of getting used to it!

SORRY TO SHOUT

6/17/04

I copied this over from a different screen and it came out in all caps, and I am very sorry, but I am far too lazy to rewrite the darn thing...

SO AN OFFICER I KNOW, WE WILL CALL HIM, "D" TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT, WAS SCANNING AND HEARD A PURSUIT IN A NEARBY CITY, SO OF COURSE HE DECIDES TO JOIN THE FUN. HE FINDS ALL OF THE PATROL CARS ABANDONED, DUE TO A FOOT PURSUIT AND HE GETS OUT TO LOOK AROUND. SO HE NOTICES THIS ONE PATROL CAR THAT LOOKED WEIRD TO HIM BECAUSE THE WINDOWS WERE SO DARKLY TINTED. SO "D" LEANS OVER AND TRIES TO PEER INTO THE BACK WINDOW TO SEE INSIDE. SUDDENLY A K-9 COMES RUNNING AT HIM GROWLING, SO "D" YELPS AND JUMPS INTO THE BACK SEAT...OF A PATROL CAR, THUS LOCKING HIMSELF IN. SO UP COMES THE K9 HANDLER, AND HE IS WONDERING WHY HIS DOG IS BARKING AND CLAWING AT THE BACK SEAT. SO THE HANDLER OPENS THE BACK DOOR, NOT EXPECTING A PERSON, AND SCREAMS LIKE A GIRL, WHEN HE SEES "D". "WTF?!?"HE SAYS, BECAUSE IT DOES NOT COMPUTE THAT THERE IS A UNIFORMED POLICE OFFICER HANGING OUT IN THE BACKSEAT OF HIS PATROL CAR. ESPECIALLY ONE WHO IS LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY BCUZ HE IS SO EMBARRASSED. SOOOOO.... AFTER THE PD GUY SAYS, "BOY YOU F--IN' STATE COPS ARE STUPID!" AND THEY HAVE A GOOD LAUGH, "D" AND THE HANDLER RE-JOIN THE FOOT PURSUIT AND EVENTUALLY CAUGHT THE GUY....THE END

You Might Be a Cop's Wife If....

From 12/12/04

Except for a select few who are married to cops, this may not be all that funny, but what the heck here goes anyway, I hope you enjoy.

You Might Be a Cop's Wife If:

*You talk more in code than English sometimes. "10-4, hon."
*Your husband seems to hang up his brain with his badge/gun at the end of the day.
*DH shouts at the TV "That's not proper police procedure!" Every time you watch NYPD Blue . *You have ammo in you bedside table instead of, well whatever normal people put in there. *Your husband bought you a bullet proof vest for your birthday, "just in case"
*You have more paper targets up than wall paper.
*Your bathroom material and the secret stash of mags under the bed are both "Guns and Ammo"
*At work your husband can remember a suspect's name, DOB, drivers license number and AKAs but at home he can't remember to take out the trash on Mondays.
*Your husband asks to see the ID of everyone who comes to the door including the mail man. *You have ever been at a mall/grocery store/video store/restaurant/children's birthday party and suddenly had to leave because your husband saw someone he arrested.
*DH drives like he is in Nascar when in his own personal vehicle, forgetting he is not in a patrol car.
*When you go out to dinner, your husband, points out which waiter, customer or cook is on meth, vicodin etc.
*Your husband can't figure out why everyone isn't getting out of his way, in traffic, like they do when he is at work.
And finally:
*That is a gun in his pocket, even if he is happy to see you. (These were all based on fact, let me know if you think of any others. Chris is gonna kill me when he reads this one!)

The Lost Art of "Holding It"

From October 30th, 2004

Sometimes at my job, I have to "hold it" for hours, until someone relieves me (so I can relieve myself--HA!) It has gotten to the point, that I find myself accidentally "holding it" at home, at leisure, when visiting friends. It's really kind of sad. I remember a time when peeing was a right, not a privilege. Do you think it would be inappropriate if I began wearing Depends to work? Just to make my officers feel guilty and uncomfortable--when they come into the dispatch room to get their paperwork, I could stop mid-sentence, get a kind of glazed look in my eyes, while staring off into the distance, then say, "Ahhhhhh, I feel much better now. I'm sorry. What was I saying?" Hmm..Maybe not. And now, some "cop jokes"

Q: How many police officers does it take to push a suspect down a flight of stairs?
A: None. He fell.

LAPD OFFICER: "We arrested this man beating the living daylights out of some poor slob for no reason at all! What should we charge him with?"
DESK SERGEANT: "Impersonating an Officer."

What did the peanut say when it entered the police station?
I've been a-salted!

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just one, but he is never around when you need him.

What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

A state trooper pulls over a car for speeding and the female driver says "I guess you want to sell me some tickets to the Trooper's Ball?" The trooper responded, "Troopers don't have balls, ma'am." After he realized what he said, he simply walked back to his car and drove away.

A cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window."I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!""No," she shouts back, "It's a pair of socks!"

All right, I'll stop the torture. BTW. While I was writing this, I choked on a Milky Way. Who am I supposed to call when I need help? If I called 911--I would have just got myself! Makes you think doesn't it? 'Night!

I Just Called to Ask--What's the Number for 911?

From October 27, 2004

My friend "B" a fellow dispatcher, wrote a post on her Blog about some of the funnier 911 calls she had received. And it inspired me to "jot" down a few of my own. The following calls are real calls I have taken.

Me: 911 what's your emergency?
Caller: I'm at McDonalds and they charged me for water!!!!
Me: Sir, this is not an emergency.
Caller: Yes it it! It's water! Send a police officer to tell them they can't do that!

Me: 911 what's your emergency?
Caller: Send someone quick, there is a raccoon in my backyard!
Me: Are you aware you've dialed the police emergency line?
Caller: This is an emergency!!!!!
Me: OK, tell me why.
Caller: Because it's day time!
Me: And?
Caller: raccoon's only come at night, please hurry!

Me: 911 what's your emergency?
Caller: I just bought cocaine from this one guy and when I tried it, it turns out it's baby powder. I want this guy arrested.
Me: So you are admitting to me, on a recorded line that you attempted to buy drugs?
Caller: Yeah.
Me: Sir, think about this, do you really want the police officer to know what you were trying to do?
Caller: Oh, yeah....hee hee hee...nevermind (click)

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: My toilet is making weird gurgling noises.
Me: Ma'am, what is the emergency?
Caller: You should hear this--(holds phone up to toilet which is indeed making sounds.) What should I do?
Me: Please call a plumber.

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: You know that little girl who is missing?
Me: Yes, do you have information on her whereabouts?
Caller: I think I saw her playing little orphan Annie in a play I saw tonight.

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: I didn't dial 911.
Me: Yes you did, do you have an emergency?
Caller: No I didn't call.
Me: Sir, we don't make random house checks, are you ok?
Caller: (Sulking) Yeah. (Under his breath)...but I didn't call 911.

Me: 911 emergency Caller: Yeah, um I ate a lollipop, it wasn't wrapped and it was covered in fuzz and now I don't feel too good.
Me: Let me transfer you to medics.

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: Hi, I'd like to ask about my phone bill.
Me: You need to hang up and dial 411, this is 911 for emergencies.
Caller: Oooohh. Ok....Well can you help me when my bill anyway?

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: I left the iron on at my house, can you please send a police officer out to shut it off?
Me: No.

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: My chihuahua is missing out of the garage, all that is left is his sweater!
Me: Please call back on the business line. (But what I wanted to say)
Me: Sir, your chihuahua ran away from home, because you make him wear stupid outfits and he is sick of the other dogs making fun of him.

Me: 911 emergency
Caller: Yeah, I paid this escort to come over and, you know, but she took all of my money. Also, she was supposed to look like a little school girl but she didn't.
Me: I'll send an officer over and you can explain it. Don't forget to tell him about why she was there, in the first place, Ok?
Caller: Oh, Ok.

Me: 911 emergency. Caller:I don't feel safe, can I come where you are?
Me: Do you need me to send you an Officer?
Caller: No but if I could just lay down on the floor, near where you are, like with a sleeping bag or something,I'd feel a lot better, Ok?
Me: I'm sorry, it doesn't work like that.

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: There is a deer in my yard.
Me: What is the emergency? Is the deer injured?
Caller: No, he looks very peaceful, I just don't want him here.

Me: 911 emergency.. Caller: Some one's been in my house while I was gone!
Me: So there was a burglar in your house?
Caller: No, someone just shaved and left whiskers all in the sink.
Me: Oh...

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: Send someone quick, there is a police officer driving in front of me and I think he's drunk Me: Why do you think that?
Caller: He is swerving from one lane to the next and then back again, he's definitely drunk.
Me: Ma'am that's called a traffic break, he is trying to stop traffic. (silence)
Caller: Oh. That explains a lot....

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: Come quick, its road rage!
Me: (after getting all important info) what did the person confronting you look like?
Caller: Female, white, like 4 feet tall.
Me: So my officer knows which person is you, give me a brief description of yourself.
Caller: I am male, 6'5 250.
Me:........Ok, then, we're on the way.
Caller: Ok, but hurry she's really mad.

Me: 911 emergency
Caller: Your police radios are beaming lasers right into my brain and I'd like you to cut it out! Me: Hmmm...Ok let me send you an officer.
Caller: No thanks just tell them to stop it so I can get some sleep. Good night.
Me: Good night...

Me: 911 emergency
Caller: Someone stole my baptismal!
Me: Is that something that can be stolen?
Caller: Yes! My inner child wants it back!

Me: 911 emergency.
Caller: (Elderly female) Hello dear, I fell down, I'm not hurt but I need you to send me an officer to help me up.
Me: Ok, I'm sending you help.
Caller: Go ahead and send me two big handsome fellas!
Me: I'll see what I can do...

Did I mention, I love my job?

The following is NOT my 911 call, but it is the funniest one I have ever heard of. My friend Ed took this one.

Ed: 911 state your emergency
Elderly female caller: My neigbors are way to loud, yelling and screaming, carrying on so.
Ed: Ok, is it an altercation or...
Elderly lady: Oh, no they are having sex, and honey NO ONE is that good.
Ed: (Laughing really hard) No, I guess not.....

The Name You Choose For Your Child, Could Lead Them to a Life of Crime

From September 9th 2004:

Trust me on this, as a police dispatcher, I know what I am talking about. If you name you child something they feel they can't live up to, they will probably turn to a life of crime. Some examples are:

Bartholomew Hoover Smith
Christopher Columbus Jones
Albert Einstein Sanchez
Alexander Jean Pierre Petrok the Third
Freedom Justice Jackson
Shawshank Chattergee (I just got this one tonight)

If you name your child after something organic, edible, plants or minerals, you are pushing your luck. If you name your child something silly, they will probably turn to a life of crime. Some examples are:

Gaylord Frumpknickle
Jade Butterfly
Marsha Mello
Princess Diana Toothfairy( Some names have been modified a bit to protect the innocent but this one is totally real)
Phillip D. Mugg

Here are some examples of really bad parenting, I have witnessed personally:

Today a man called to report that his 17 yr old son was out of control. When I asked his date of birth, he said, "I dunno, sometime in November I think." If you don't know your child's DOB, I can pretty much guarantee they will turn to a life of crime.

I called a mom to say her 13 yr old daughter was arrested, "Oh geez, how much is this going to cost me?" Nice.

A woman called 911 because her six year old was, "out of control" she asked if the police could come out and "put the handcuffs on, just to scare him." Ma'am you cannot use your local police department to discipline your child, that's your job. I got this type of call weekly when I worked for (large metro area) Police Dept.

A mother of 7 called and asked if we could come get 2 of her children, because she "just can't afford that many." Enough said.

"My 14 year old, won't obey me I want him arrested." Well if you had started cracking down before the teenage years, maybe this would have been avoided. Maybe my job makes me cynical, I don't know. I like to think I'll learn from others mistakes. My friend Erika, a 911 dispatcher with me, tells children who call 911 for fun, "I am going to have the police come get you and take you to little kid jail, the bars are closer together and the handcuffs are smaller, but don't think I won't do it!" I used to love sitting next to her. Till later, goodnight

New Blog

This is my first post, but I have a different blog, that had these stories mixed in with my rantings of infertility. (Waiting for the pot to boil.) Soooo, I will dig through that blog and bring those stories over and start posting some new ones. Oh the fodder never runs out, believe me!

And now, before all the silly stuff, my worst call ever:

I have gotten small children calling 911 because, "Daddy is hitting Mommy," I have spoken with a victim after she was raped, I spoke with a female as she watched her friend die, and with a mother whose 4 year old found his Dad hanging in the alley behind their house. One amazing call was a woman who was hiding in the bathroom while her would be attacker tried to get into the bathroom where she was hiding. I can honestly say the funny and mundane calls far outweigh the bad and the horrific, but sometimes... Believe it or not, I really didn't take any of the above calls home with me. I can do my job because when I log off the computer and put away my headset, I also "put away" any ugliness that I heard that day. I used to lay on the floor and roll around with my 4 dogs for therapy, as needed, now even the thought of my son can clear away any lingering moodiness. Every dispatcher has at least one call that sticks with them and they carry it along with them at work, always. It makes them a better dispatcher, if it isn't so bad that you quit. It also makes you stronger and harder. You would think you could predict the kind of call that would cut to the bone, but you can't. It depends on what is most personal to you and what is going on in your life at that time. When I was pregnant, I took a call of a "baby hit by a car" I spoke with the lady who hit the child accidentally when he ran into traffic. First thought I had, was how can a baby run into traffic? (He was a 2 year old in diapers), next thoughts were, me just feeling horrible for the driver. I hit a child with my car when I was 19, (also not my fault), but talking with that woman brought up how horrible that experince was. Doesn't matter if you are at fault or not, there is still a memory of your vehicle hitting someone so small that you have to live with always. That call, I pray, will make me a more vigillant mom when it comes to holding onto my son's hand when I am in a parking lot or out on the street. I used to think those toddler harnesses are cruel but after this call, I wonder if they make them for kids as old as ten...[Side note: though badly injured and still recovering over a year later, that little guy pulled through.] I digress, the call that stays with me was 30 seconds long at most, but it was not the call, it was what happened after the call that I can't let go of. It is really hard to explain, and it may sound like, no worse than any other horrible call, but it just hurt. Most of the stories I have told and will tell are funny, or ridiculous but I'd like to share with you the call that I carry with me. I was working at the larger agency as a 911 call taker that day. Some days we took business calls and rollover 911s other days just 911. The radio room where the dispatchers talked to the officers was in the next room. If a 911 call came in the calltaker typed in the address and information, hit enter, it went to the correct radio dispatcher and often, no matter how bad, was forgotten about by the call taker. There were just too many calls coming in to remember every single one of them. Many times I would write down the event number on a piece of paper, swearing to follow up and see what happened, only to completely forget about it by the end of the day. So, this lady calls in and says she is concerned about her elderly friend Pierre. Pierre had just called her and said he was upset about his wife dying and he was going to shoot himself. He asked her please not to call 911 for a half an hour, but the lady didn't want to wait. She called 911 immediately. Oh my gosh, I thought, we can save this one! I typed so fast and shot that information over to the radio room. I checked the status of the officers. Several were 10-8 (available) a few on traffic stops and one on a parking complaint. And nobody was dispatched. I kept checking, thinking, come on, come on hurry up, clear someone already! 5-10 minute later it was time for my lunch break and still no one had been dispatched. I went over and visited with my friend and former trainer, Chuck who was also on the phone side and I told him how angry I was no one had been dispatched to this particular call yet. Chuck always "gets it."
So I went on my lunch break and couldn't stop thinking about that call. That is not like me, I should have known right then to harden myself, but that is not something I had learned yet. I came back from lunch, sat down and brought up the call. Units dispatched, and 97 (arrived) good, good. Perimeter set? Why? They are wasting precious time! (Since becoming a radio dispatcher, I get that part now--the subject had a gun, and suicide by cop is becoming more and more of a problem), but at the time, it was just one more thing delaying us helping the gentleman. So I scrolled down, page after page of boring details, and I am quietly chanting, "Please God, please God, please God, please." Finally I got ready to bring up the disposition, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and opened my eyes. Hit the button to bring up the answer I had been waiting for and read:

GUNSHOT WOUND TO THE FACE, VICTIM STILL GURGLING

And I completely lost it. I clicked a button on my screen so I wouldn't get any incoming 911 calls and I just sobbed. I stood up and I walked to the window out in the hallway that looked out at the city. A supervisor came up and asked me if I was OK, but she said it like she only asked because she had to. She was phony and she was slick and I was repulsed. All I could say over and over was, "Get me Chuck, please just get me Chuck." And Chuck came, and he didn't try to make me feel better. He said, "I looked at that call while you were out, I saw the disposition, and I said, "someone needs to find Rebecca" because I just knew how upset you would be." Now you can understand why I wanted Chuck. Some people would come by and say, "It's not your fault, there was nothing more you could have done." And I would fill with rage, because they didn't get it. I know it wasn't my fault, I did everything I could. I took the call and I was so fast getting it to the radio room, and it just SAT THERE. I wasn't crying because I was sad or felt I messed up, I was furious because in my naivete I believed we could have saved him, but we were too slow. It took me a long time to realize, people who are set on killing themselves cannot be saved. If they are serious about it, really serious, there are no magic words; they will do it. If they are calling 911, either it is a cry for help; something they have not yet commited to, something they started to do, (wrists or pills) and regret their decision, or it is to let us know where to find their body. That last one sounds harsh but it is absolutely true. I do think this made me a better radio dispatcher. I will never know why officers weren't pulled from other calls, suicide is a priorty E which at that agency it meant officers should have been enroute within 30 seconds but I do know I will always take such calls seriously and handle them with the utmost care. Pierre killed himself because he could not live without his beloved wife of 50 years who had just died of cancer. At that time my Grandpa B had just lost my Grandma B, after 50+ years of marriage and I was already worrying how he was going to hold up. I guess that is why it struck a nerve.
So, now you know my innermost feelings as a 911 dispatcher. I assure you this blog won't always be so dark; this job is just way to funny usually, but you gotta hear both sides, so you too can "get it."