Feeling Like a Deer in the Headlights...

I thought the amount of profile views I had (most recently 850) was the amount of readers I had ever had in the past year... In the past 5 days since I finally figured out how to add a statcounter (thanks Ron!) I have gotten almost 200 hits. Wow. Here I was typing along, from time to time, imagining I was talking to, my mom, some fellow dispatchers, a couple of cops and just a few others. Now I feel all exposed, all nervous, all shy. I can employ the method I used to use in speech class---I can imagine all of you alls in your underwears.... Tee hee. It's not working! I can't do this! OK, I am going to have to pretend that I am just writing an email to my mom. She is my biggest fan, and I don't just mean on my various blogs. You can hear me dispatch live; there is a link on my police department's home page and my mom tunes in regularly. [I will not disclose the website, as I guard my annomintiy ferociously.] She and I email back and forth all day, and she will tell me how good I sound, or want to know what the disposition from various calls were. I always hate to let her down when we get a call that sounds all exciting and then it turns out to be nothing. From her side, listening, there were just 4 masked suspects seeming to case a bank. Next thing you know she hears, "Code 4" and then "Clearing." Soon after I will get an email: "Well, what happened????" "Nothing Mom, they were gardeners, covering their faces while they did yard work, so they wouldn't inhale dirt." But she gets to hear the good stuff too, like last week when I said, "Clinton street, like our former president." or when I screwed up the radio traffic so bad I ended up saying, "Standby, operator malfunction." So, Mom, it is with out further ado, I will share my most recent deer tail. Er, tale.....


Me: 911 emergency

Deer Lover: Hello, please send an officer immediately! There is a deer...IN THE BUSHES!


[Let me just stop right here and make a comment. Wonderful City is chock full of deer. Now, I like deer as much as the next guy; hey, I saw Bambi too, but sometimes it gets ridiculous. One time I got SEVEN 911 calls that a deer was running parallel to traffic when at the exact same time I got exactly ONE call that a man had collapsed on a very public sidewalk. So forgive me if I roll my eyes every time a concerned citizen whines about a deer.]

Me: Ma'am are there any humans in danger?

Deer Lover: No, the deer is!

Me: Please call back on the non-emergency line, and they will help you.

[Let me stop here again. When I tell people that---the "they" I am speaking of, is actually me. They are still going to get me on the non-emergency line. I realize that it is more work for me, not to just take the info on the 911 line, but gosh darn it, it's the principle of it all. 911 IS FOR LIFE THREATENING EMERGENCIES. I refuse to take calls about deer, noise complaints or unruly 10 year olds on 911. Continuing...]


Me: Wonderful PD, how can I help you?

Deer Lover: You need to send an officer to the intersection of R and E immediately. There is a deer. It is in the bushes here. I am standing just mere inches from her. Hello deer, it's OK, I am here. I am going to get you help.

Me: Ma'am? Are you....talking to.... the deer?

DL: Yes, I just want her to know she is not alone. It's OK, you're going to be fine.

[At this point I realized, this was not the standard there-is-a-deer-running-in-traffic-I-am-afraid-the-poor-widdle-thing-is-going-to-get-hit-by-a-car call. This required and expert. As I did not have a psychiatrist, on call, to send her, I did the next best thing. I passed her off to animal control. 2 minutes after that...]


Me: Wonderful PD

DL: Hello, it's me again. Animal control is unable to help the deer! They said there was nothing they could do. But she is still here! You must said an officer now!

ME: [How do I phrase this delicately....] Well...if they can't help you.... [usually when I say this and then kind of taper off my voice off at the end, it finally dawns on even the slowest citizen that we don't have "deer whispering" in our vast bag o'cop tricks.]


DL: You have to help. I will be standing here waiting for the officer.

ME: Well, you are going to have to get over it. We are not the deer patrol and though I cannot stop you from frolicking with a deer at 3:30 in the morning, I wouldn't advise it. Go home and go to bed!

[That was actually what I wish I could say but here is what I actually said:]


ME: Ma'am, um, well, what is it that you think a police officer can do exactly?

DL: Well can't you lead it to safety? Can't they take it somewhere?

ME: How? With our Pied Piper? Speaking of pipes, what on earth have you been smoking, lady, and where can I get some???

[Sorry, I was daydreaming again. Reality:]

ME: Ma'am, the police are here to help if you are in danger, or some other person is in danger, but the deer is OK, right? It's not rabid, or vicious? It is not creating a traffic hazard? Am I understanding correctly that it is just hanging out in the bushes? That the two of you are just hanging out, in the middle of the night, but that you are both OK?

DL: So are you going to send someone right away?

ME: Wow. No, I'm not. I am sorry, but there is nothing an officer can do. I'll tell you what I will do though. I will let the beat officer know. That way he can be aware of the situation, and keep an eye out for the deer, OK?

DL: Well, I'm really not comfortable with that. OK, goodbye deer, good luck. I am saying good bye to her. Now I am getting in the car. Oh, I am so uncomfortable with this. OK, I am leaving now.

ME: All right. Have a good night.

I then sent the officer a MDT message:

THERE IS A DEER AT R AND E. IN THE BUSHES. JUST HANGING OUT. A CITIZEN WANTED YOU TO KNOW.

And he wrote back:

UM. OK. THANKS...

Shortly after that officer went out on a traffic stop. Apparently some crazy lady, waved at him, squealing her tires, as she did an insane U-turn and almost ran into him. She was screaming at him, that there was a deer. In the bushes! That needed help! He told me later, that it was a good thing I sent him the message because, then he knew more of what he was dealing with. Turns out she was high as a kite, big surprise. The officer said her pupils were enormous. Sooooo, the moral of the story is if you are going to get high, frolic with a deer at 3 in the morning and harass your local dispatcher... Don't then flag down an officer. Just commune with nature, and go on your merry way. Other wise, the deer won't end up, safely in a cage, but you will!

ME! Hard at Work. Solving Crises. Fighting Crime. Life and Death Matters.

"No, no ma'am... Ma'am? As a matter of fact I do NOT want to hear all about the bowel movements of your cat."

What a Boob...

So we have a newish full time dispatcher here at WPD. To protect the innocent, I shall call her...Girlie. She is 23, and a sweetheart, but in some ways she is so very immature. I don't mean in a "let's get out the Barbies and play house" kind of way, but in the "I am still very unaffected by the world and am still learning appropriate social boundaries" kind of way. Should she ever happen upon this blog, please know the following story is told with no malice, you sweet child. First let me say, I don't know her very well, and at the time of this occurrence I really didn't know her at all. I was coming on shift to relieve her. She wasn't wearing our normal uniform polo shirt, but a zip-up sweatshirt. And now we begin:

Girlie: Hi! How was your drive? We had a pretty busy day. Do you like my new boobs? I just had them done.

Me: Hi. My drive was fine and... Say what?

Girlie: My boobs, they're new. Didn't you notice? I just got them done.

(Glancing quickly at said boob-le region)

Me: Oh wow. Yeah that's cool. Good....shape.

Girlie: I know, (closing the door to dispatch) Would you like to see them?

Me: Whoa, um I---

(Ziiiiiiiiiip. Out come the boobies)

Me: Oh my, huh. Wow. Yeah. Those are boobs.

Girlie: They still really hurt. I had to have my nipples re-placed into a better positionon. First the doctor took the nipple-----

Me: Wow! Yeah. That's amazing. They look great. Good job.

Girlie: They feel real. Would you like to feel them? You can feel them, I don't mind, it's OK.

Me: ... Um... Ok, sure. Why not...

(I poked at them experimentally with one finger.)

Me: Hey, look at that. Ok, well, you can zip up your sweatshirt now.

Girlie: You can really grab onto the whole thing if you want to.

Me: Nope. I'm good.

Girlie: (Disappointedly zipping up) Well, if you're sure.

Me: I'm sure.

If I had any hidden fears that perhaps I was a lesbian and didn't know it? ; they've been put to rest.

Not just "Same Old, Same Old" after all

I had this caller who said she was hiding in her closet, and that someone had broken into her home. Her alarm had gone off and she was sure someone was coming up her stairs. How many alarm calls turn out to be false alarms, or alarms tripped by the dog/cat/husband/friend/maid/janitor/wind? I would say 85% of them. So I handled the call as a valid hot call, if for no other reason, than the poor woman was terrified. "I can hear him in the hallway.... I have just locked myself in the bathroom... Now he is in my bedroom, please hurry!" I tell her I have units on the way and to please stay on the line. "I can hear him by the dresser. He is counting my money!" What does that sound like? I thought to myself, imagining the sound of paper bills rustling and a suspect counting, "One dollar, two dollars, three dollars...." At this point I really thought she was 5150. I told her units were onscene, to stay put while we did a perimeter check. All of the sudden she begins screaming, "He's trying to come into the bathroom! He's trying to come in! He is in the bathroom!!" And in her defense I did hear a lot of background noise. My officers broke in the door to the house ran up the stairs and promptly went code 4. I knew it! I said to myself. It is all quiet on the air, for at least 5 minutes. All of the sudden my K9 unit comes up on the air, yelling, "Nora 8, I am in the garage with the suspect and I am not Code 4! I REPEAT I AM NOT CODE 4!" Holy crap! I thought, throwing the magazine I had recently picked back up, practically across the room. All the onscene units met Nora 8 in the garage and there his dog is snarling and sitting on the suspect who not only was very real, but armed with a wicked looking knife. Scared the crap out of the poor K9 handler, who must have been thinking just like I did, that it was once again, not a valid alarm call. Long story short, a routine call got very exciting, very fast. It made me a much better dispatcher, in that I learned to take even far-fetched sounding calls seriously, just in case. Later I spoke with Nora 8 and he said he is positive, if we had not gotten there when we did, the RP would have been raped, murdered or both. He said, the suspect was, "One of the biggest, scariest looking dudes" he had ever seen. Creepy.

Get Me Judge Judy--Fast!!!!!

One year ago my dogs attacked and killed the neighbor's Chihuahua. I wish it didn't happen, I feel bad for the little dog, but here is a quick synopsis of what happened:

My dogs were confined to the part of the yard away from the Chihuahua's yard, because they were always barking at a different neighbor's dog. Honestly, my dogs never really paid attention to the Chi---Rat Dog. Anyway, the Rat Dog came into our yard, my dogs tore down the barricade and followed it into it's own yard and ate it. Literally. Anyways, I talked to the owner, apologized and told her "Absolutely!" when she told me I should pay for 1/2 the cost of repairs to the fence. I gave her my personal cell phone number and told her to call me with the amount. She never called, she never gave me a bill, or tried ANY kind of contact...until now. Now, she is taking me to small claims court for $7500. Are you kidding me? She never even tried to collect. Talk about going from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds. Isn't small claims court for people who refuse to pay? I didn't refuse to pay her. Ok, deep breath. I digress, she sent me a certified letter, full of emotionally manipulative statements of how traumatized she was, probably hoping for pain and suffering. One problem with that; you can't get pain and suffering in CA small claims court, only the amount to cover damages and only what you can prove. Sooooo, I have 10 days to reply, and I wrote a very courteous letter, telling her if she wasn't happy with me paying her for the fence as we already agreed, and what she paid for the dog, she will have to take me to court. I almost hope she does. Almost. I have so many pictures that prove my side of the story. She totally screwed herself by putting my personal cell # on the letter she sent me because, how else would she have that unless I gave it to her? No judge will believe I said, "I am not paying you! Now here is my personal cell # so you can call and harass me." I will keep you updated. In the meantime, I want to share with you the letter I composed, that I WISH I could send. But I won't.



Dear Liz,

What the @#$% ??? Are you kidding me? Who the @#$% do you think you are; waiting an entire year and then trying to extort $7500 from me? Where do you get off? Do you honestly believe you can prove that nine crappy plywood boards and a mangy, neglected, mixed breed Chihuahua is worth that??? If this goes to court, I’m thinking all that you are due is about 45 bucks max. And little “Princess” as you so aptly named her, was so neglected we felt sorry for her. Meeting a violent but swift end was far more merciful than spending one more day with you. That dog yapped night and day, begging for attention, so how dare you, now pretend you even gave a rat’s ass about her.
Let’s get back to the fence repairs, not only did you only replace nine boards on your fence, you didn’t even fix the right place! Not to mention, YOUR dog entered OUR yard! I can prove, that portion of my yard was cordoned off. Why? Because your stupid dog would begin barking incessantly every time my dogs walked by. Not only did your dog come into my yard first, it pushed the board into my yard, which I can prove by the sheer fact that my dogs do not have opposable thumbs. And another thing; my dogs are a pack, and therefore, when something as small as a rodent comes into their domain, they will kill it. Honestly, they probably thought the damn thing was a squirrel. And where did you get the figure "$7500?" Did you just pull that amount out of your a$$ or are you also charging me for your psychiatrist's visits; because that would make more sense. In closing, if you have anything further to add, you can kiss my a$$. See you in court, moron.

Sincerely,
Becca


Sigh. If only.

Happy Anniversary to Me (This is a different one)

Chris and I are celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary (July 4th). We are going camping, write more when we get back!