So sometimes, I don't write because I get busy (and I am really, really busy), sometimes because I don't have anything to say (but I really, really do) and other times, like now, I just don't quite know how to say it. I have had this story brewing in my mind since it occurred a week and a half ago. I just...don't... know quite how to bring it to life adequately, without visual aids, voice inflection and perhaps a flow chart. That said, here goes nothing...
So I got a call from a guy, who couldn't have sounded more normal.
Me: Wonderful PD
The Nutty Professor: Hello, good evening, how are you?
Me: Fine, how can I help you. [Side note, I hate small talk on the police lines.]
TNP: Well actually there is someone in my house, and I don't know who he is. He won't talk to me.
Me: Like, someone came to the door and you let them in, but didn't know them?
TNP: No, I don't know him, I don't even know how he got in here but he is hiding in my closet. [RP sounds calm, and not afraid] He seems rather shy actually; when I call to him, he won't come out of the closet.
Me: [Not even knowing where to begin] How long has he been in there?
TNP: Well, only about an hour. I first noticed him when I woke up around midnight [three hours ago]. He was standing in the corner of my bedroom, with a lampshade on his head.
Me: Wait, you noticed him three hours ago but didn't call until now?
TNP: Well, it didn't concern me until he hid in my closet and wouldn't come out.
Me: [I am scanning my mental data base for how this can possibly be a sane RP because, he sounded so normal!!!!] Well..... Did you have a party at your house? Is that why he has a lampshade on his head? [I've heard people do that at parties, but I know I am really reaching at this point.]
TNP: (Laughing genially) Oh no, my dear, he just showed up with some lady.
ME: Wait, there is a lady there too?
TNP: Yes, she is around here somewhere. I think she came in through the walls. Why don't you go ahead and send out an officer.
ME: Yeah, why don't I....
And I am thinking how on earth do I dispatch this? I need to be concise, but also make it clear this guy is cuckoo for coco puffs. And how do I label it? "Suspicious Circs" ? "Welfare Check" ? I finally settled on "5150" because as normal as he sounded--- he wasn't.
Now what do I say on the air? Note to self: Next time do not attempt to wing it.
ME: Unit Paul 19 with Paul 2 for cover 5150 at --------------- address. Rp says there is a man hiding in his closet......[huge open mic'd pause] he has a lampshade on his head...........He didn't have a party at his house" [Why on earth did I just say that????]
P19: ..........[huge open mic'd pause]........Okaaaay......
So the units arrive, talk with the subject for a while. Sgt. Kevin, shows up, the Sgt. clears the call, the units go code 4, and then the Sgt. comes into dispatch giggling. Yes, giggling.
Sgt. Kevin: (Snicker, giggle, snicker)
ME: Whaaat?????? Was he nuts? He sounded normal? Was their really a guy in his closet? [I was half expecting there to be, I really was.]
Sam 5: Nope, he was all alone, but I think I'll let Clyde (P19) tell you, all about it if he makes it back in here. I told Mike (P2) don't leave Clyde behind, we are like the military, we never leave a man behind. (Giggle)
And he left dispatch, leaving me to wonder, what on earth...? So eventually the units clear with "Does not meet the criteria" (not a danger to himself or others), and Clyde comes into dispatch. [Side note here. I love Clyde. Not like in an "oooh la la way", just in a, "he's a really nice guy who is good at his job in a young, on fire, arrests everyone who is bad, pulls over anything that moves" kind of way while, still managing to ALWAYS give me bathroom breaks, include me in conversations, tell me how calls turn out and get me food if I need it. Love him. ] So Clyde comes in and I kid you not, he looks shell shocked.
ME: Weeeeeeeelllll??????? Was he nuts?????
Clyde: Oh yeah. In a normal sounding kind of way. How do I put this?.... He was a gay, psychologist and, um, amateur photographer, who was totally crazy.
ME: Oh. Wait, he was a psychologist? For real?
Clyde: Yup.
ME: What do you mean by the photographer part?
Clyde: (Looking a bit uncomfortable) Well, in his house he had every wall lined with pictures of naked men. Well, not all of them were naked, this one really big black guy sitting in an oak tree had on a pink thong.....
ME: Wow... Was he on drugs or something?
Clyde: Oh, he'd taken something... Viagra... And you could tell.
ME: Ewwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!
Clyde: Yeah.
Clyde turned and walked slowly out of dispatch. I don't think the poor guy will ever be the same. A piece of his innocence died that day...
Flash forward like two hours later.
TNP: Hello. I need you to send out the officers again, that guy and the woman are back. I know your officers thought I was crazy, but I am not. I need them to tell them to stop moving my stuff around and ask them to leave. They aren't in the house anymore, though. Now they are in the Oak tree in the back.
[I'm guessing asking him, "The same oak tree you photographed a big guy in a thong in?" would be inappropriate.] So instead,
ME: OK......Is he still wearing the lampshade? [Why did I say that????]
TNP: (Laughing kindly) Oh no, not anymore.
ME: Paul 19 and Paul 2 recall on the 5150 at ---------. He says the man and woman are back from earlier, but this time they are in the Oak tree out back.......He isn't wearing the lampshade anymore. [Rebecca, what did I say about not winging it?????]
Paul 2/Mike: Was there a pink elephant? [Mike can get away with anything on the air, he has the second most seniority and only has 13 months, 2 weeks and 3 days left, not that he is counting.]
ME: Affirm, also in the Oak tree. [I can't believe I said that on the air!]
I had no idea what they could do for this guy but, if nothing else they needed to stop him from getting into a cycle where he'd keep calling and calling. So the officers went back out. This time, not only did the originating officers go out, as is procedure, every, single officer on the shift decided to go out and watch the show. Officers all went on scene, called out a code 4, spent about 15 minutes total there and cleared. Clyde cleared with, "Still does not meet the criteria enroute to the station for decon." So I was thinking, it was a whole lotta nothing, and thought that was the end of it. It was time to go home, end of shift, so I was mentally on to other things. Also at the time, I didn't know "decon" meant "decontamination." Then I got a MDT message from Clyde:
DO NOT GO HOME I HAVE TO TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED!!!!!!!!
So, I eagerly waited for him to come back in. But first, every other officer who'd been there came through dispatch laughing, and telling me I had to wait for Clyde to tell me what happened. So Clyde walks into dispatch, walks right by me into the restroom, and proceeds to wash his hands for like 5 minutes. I can here him just scrubbing away in there. Oh man, I think, this can't be good.
Clyde: [Comes out of the bathroom with the antibacterial dispenser, just pouring it on.] Yeah, that was gross. So we go back to his house, and before having him sit down on his couch, using good officer safety, I checked the couch for weapons.
ME: Oh no. [Imagining some strange "toy" being pulled out of the cushions]
Clyde: So I pick up a towel, luckily by the edges, to check around the couch and the guy says, 'Oh don't mind that, I just was using it for my masturbation session'
ME: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Poor Clyde, not only had his innocence died earlier that evening, not only had he probably been called back out by the nutty professor just to be eye candy, and not only did he have a nasty experience while being safe, on top of all that, the other officers would just not let him live it down! Poor Clyde. Maybe he can borrow the lampshade from that other guy to hide his shame....
So I got a call from a guy, who couldn't have sounded more normal.
Me: Wonderful PD
The Nutty Professor: Hello, good evening, how are you?
Me: Fine, how can I help you. [Side note, I hate small talk on the police lines.]
TNP: Well actually there is someone in my house, and I don't know who he is. He won't talk to me.
Me: Like, someone came to the door and you let them in, but didn't know them?
TNP: No, I don't know him, I don't even know how he got in here but he is hiding in my closet. [RP sounds calm, and not afraid] He seems rather shy actually; when I call to him, he won't come out of the closet.
Me: [Not even knowing where to begin] How long has he been in there?
TNP: Well, only about an hour. I first noticed him when I woke up around midnight [three hours ago]. He was standing in the corner of my bedroom, with a lampshade on his head.
Me: Wait, you noticed him three hours ago but didn't call until now?
TNP: Well, it didn't concern me until he hid in my closet and wouldn't come out.
Me: [I am scanning my mental data base for how this can possibly be a sane RP because, he sounded so normal!!!!] Well..... Did you have a party at your house? Is that why he has a lampshade on his head? [I've heard people do that at parties, but I know I am really reaching at this point.]
TNP: (Laughing genially) Oh no, my dear, he just showed up with some lady.
ME: Wait, there is a lady there too?
TNP: Yes, she is around here somewhere. I think she came in through the walls. Why don't you go ahead and send out an officer.
ME: Yeah, why don't I....
And I am thinking how on earth do I dispatch this? I need to be concise, but also make it clear this guy is cuckoo for coco puffs. And how do I label it? "Suspicious Circs" ? "Welfare Check" ? I finally settled on "5150" because as normal as he sounded--- he wasn't.
Now what do I say on the air? Note to self: Next time do not attempt to wing it.
ME: Unit Paul 19 with Paul 2 for cover 5150 at --------------- address. Rp says there is a man hiding in his closet......[huge open mic'd pause] he has a lampshade on his head...........He didn't have a party at his house" [Why on earth did I just say that????]
P19: ..........[huge open mic'd pause]........Okaaaay......
So the units arrive, talk with the subject for a while. Sgt. Kevin, shows up, the Sgt. clears the call, the units go code 4, and then the Sgt. comes into dispatch giggling. Yes, giggling.
Sgt. Kevin: (Snicker, giggle, snicker)
ME: Whaaat?????? Was he nuts? He sounded normal? Was their really a guy in his closet? [I was half expecting there to be, I really was.]
Sam 5: Nope, he was all alone, but I think I'll let Clyde (P19) tell you, all about it if he makes it back in here. I told Mike (P2) don't leave Clyde behind, we are like the military, we never leave a man behind. (Giggle)
And he left dispatch, leaving me to wonder, what on earth...? So eventually the units clear with "Does not meet the criteria" (not a danger to himself or others), and Clyde comes into dispatch. [Side note here. I love Clyde. Not like in an "oooh la la way", just in a, "he's a really nice guy who is good at his job in a young, on fire, arrests everyone who is bad, pulls over anything that moves" kind of way while, still managing to ALWAYS give me bathroom breaks, include me in conversations, tell me how calls turn out and get me food if I need it. Love him. ] So Clyde comes in and I kid you not, he looks shell shocked.
ME: Weeeeeeeelllll??????? Was he nuts?????
Clyde: Oh yeah. In a normal sounding kind of way. How do I put this?.... He was a gay, psychologist and, um, amateur photographer, who was totally crazy.
ME: Oh. Wait, he was a psychologist? For real?
Clyde: Yup.
ME: What do you mean by the photographer part?
Clyde: (Looking a bit uncomfortable) Well, in his house he had every wall lined with pictures of naked men. Well, not all of them were naked, this one really big black guy sitting in an oak tree had on a pink thong.....
ME: Wow... Was he on drugs or something?
Clyde: Oh, he'd taken something... Viagra... And you could tell.
ME: Ewwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!
Clyde: Yeah.
Clyde turned and walked slowly out of dispatch. I don't think the poor guy will ever be the same. A piece of his innocence died that day...
Flash forward like two hours later.
TNP: Hello. I need you to send out the officers again, that guy and the woman are back. I know your officers thought I was crazy, but I am not. I need them to tell them to stop moving my stuff around and ask them to leave. They aren't in the house anymore, though. Now they are in the Oak tree in the back.
[I'm guessing asking him, "The same oak tree you photographed a big guy in a thong in?" would be inappropriate.] So instead,
ME: OK......Is he still wearing the lampshade? [Why did I say that????]
TNP: (Laughing kindly) Oh no, not anymore.
ME: Paul 19 and Paul 2 recall on the 5150 at ---------. He says the man and woman are back from earlier, but this time they are in the Oak tree out back.......He isn't wearing the lampshade anymore. [Rebecca, what did I say about not winging it?????]
Paul 2/Mike: Was there a pink elephant? [Mike can get away with anything on the air, he has the second most seniority and only has 13 months, 2 weeks and 3 days left, not that he is counting.]
ME: Affirm, also in the Oak tree. [I can't believe I said that on the air!]
I had no idea what they could do for this guy but, if nothing else they needed to stop him from getting into a cycle where he'd keep calling and calling. So the officers went back out. This time, not only did the originating officers go out, as is procedure, every, single officer on the shift decided to go out and watch the show. Officers all went on scene, called out a code 4, spent about 15 minutes total there and cleared. Clyde cleared with, "Still does not meet the criteria enroute to the station for decon." So I was thinking, it was a whole lotta nothing, and thought that was the end of it. It was time to go home, end of shift, so I was mentally on to other things. Also at the time, I didn't know "decon" meant "decontamination." Then I got a MDT message from Clyde:
DO NOT GO HOME I HAVE TO TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED!!!!!!!!
So, I eagerly waited for him to come back in. But first, every other officer who'd been there came through dispatch laughing, and telling me I had to wait for Clyde to tell me what happened. So Clyde walks into dispatch, walks right by me into the restroom, and proceeds to wash his hands for like 5 minutes. I can here him just scrubbing away in there. Oh man, I think, this can't be good.
Clyde: [Comes out of the bathroom with the antibacterial dispenser, just pouring it on.] Yeah, that was gross. So we go back to his house, and before having him sit down on his couch, using good officer safety, I checked the couch for weapons.
ME: Oh no. [Imagining some strange "toy" being pulled out of the cushions]
Clyde: So I pick up a towel, luckily by the edges, to check around the couch and the guy says, 'Oh don't mind that, I just was using it for my masturbation session'
ME: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Poor Clyde, not only had his innocence died earlier that evening, not only had he probably been called back out by the nutty professor just to be eye candy, and not only did he have a nasty experience while being safe, on top of all that, the other officers would just not let him live it down! Poor Clyde. Maybe he can borrow the lampshade from that other guy to hide his shame....
16 comments:
Whah? WTF? Why? Whah? Wow.
Poor Clyde. He needs to find a nice girlfriend, if he's not married, and have a "fun-filled" weekend to purge this awful experience from his psyche.
Ah, yes, the life of a city cop. The stories I could tell you....
So funny. I remember when my undercover narc guys sent me into a motel room to recover some stuff. I knew I had just transported the only occupants, MALES, to the station.
Under the bed I found their "toy."
EWWWWWWWWW
ooohhhhhhhh hooo! That is one for the books!
Had a call from a woman saying she was watching people break into her garage. Everyone rushes there and find no one. She calls again later, officers go there and still find no one. Calls the third time to say...well, I'll make a long story short, there were 17 (she counted them one by one) singing and dancing midgets in her house. Then she said they had scissors and were cutting off their heads to spite their face. Dispatch: really? Her: no.
By far, one of my favorite calls. That was basically the only contact we've ever had with her too, and she hasn't called back since...
It kinda makes you wonder.
Poor Clyde.
I feel his pain. Sorta.
I transported a guy the other day who was complaining of "Orgasmic headaches" and tried to cop a feel when I was starting his IV. Luckly my partner is an extremely mature/nice guy and hasnt told anybody about it.
Even though I already heard this in person, it was equally funny reading it again. Poor Clyde, of all the people...
You are a nasty woman, deceitful, hypocritical, two-faced, cowardly and pathetic.
Wow Annonymous, tell me how you really feel. You must be the Nutty Proffesor.
Bwaaaaa haaa haaa haaa!! What a maroon! Cause greetin' while beatin' is normal, right? A hallucinating psychotic psychologist with a gay porn addiction and an affinity for exhibitionism deserves our respect and sympathy right?
Why don't you at least make good use of your time and check yer colon for polyps while you got yer head up there! Anonymous commentors are "anonymous" for a reason. They drop little remarks like this one and run for the hills like scared rabbits.
Whatever.
Wow, that's a lot of adjectives for a two line comment...
I get a kick out of the fact that someone who dosn't have the guts to put their name on their comment is calling YOU a coward.
Wow.
On a lighter note, perhaps the WPD should provide medical type gloves for officers to use in unusual encounters. I guess the blue,industrial-strength type would have been needed with TNP!
OMG Waaaaaay to funny!!!!!
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