Is This Kinda Like Racial Profiling...?

I have been around cops now for almost six years. I have dispatched for 4 different agencies and have met officers from many, different departments in California, from the top, to the bottom of this state and I gotta tell you some things are just universal. For example:

*Radio clicks are used as laughter, everywhere

*Top management just doesn't "get it"

*Sometimes the gossip is worse than high school

*Don't EVER assign a paper call to the wrong beat officer

*Don't take a unit off of code 7 unless it is really, really important

*The detectives think their at least a little cooler than the beat cops (and often times think they are waaaaaaaay better)

*Every single stinking communications center was once located "in the basement"

*Yes spicy tacos can be considered breakfast food if your shift ends at 0700hrs

And the top thing I have personally witnessed at all the agencies I have EVER come into contact with:

***Most cops really do eat coffee AND donuts

Now, every aforementioned PD has tried to convince others and themselves, that they have graduated to bagels and St*rbucks, but I have never been in a break room where donuts were left out, that within minutes weren't left annihilated. You would think someone often brought in pink boxes full of crumbs. It totally makes sense; it is a place that is often open 24 hours, and it is a quick sugar rush. I bought the entire shift Krispy Kremes and not one officer said thanks. Sigh, oh well!

Not Too Bright

A man just had his 4 year old call 911 so that he could "teach [his] son the appropriate usage of 911." ....By inappropriately using 911... Brilliant.

I am Speechless...And I DON'T Get Speechless....

So sometimes, I don't write because I get busy (and I am really, really busy), sometimes because I don't have anything to say (but I really, really do) and other times, like now, I just don't quite know how to say it. I have had this story brewing in my mind since it occurred a week and a half ago. I just...don't... know quite how to bring it to life adequately, without visual aids, voice inflection and perhaps a flow chart. That said, here goes nothing...

So I got a call from a guy, who couldn't have sounded more normal.

Me: Wonderful PD

The Nutty Professor: Hello, good evening, how are you?

Me: Fine, how can I help you. [Side note, I hate small talk on the police lines.]

TNP: Well actually there is someone in my house, and I don't know who he is. He won't talk to me.

Me: Like, someone came to the door and you let them in, but didn't know them?

TNP: No, I don't know him, I don't even know how he got in here but he is hiding in my closet. [RP sounds calm, and not afraid] He seems rather shy actually; when I call to him, he won't come out of the closet.

Me: [Not even knowing where to begin] How long has he been in there?

TNP: Well, only about an hour. I first noticed him when I woke up around midnight [three hours ago]. He was standing in the corner of my bedroom, with a lampshade on his head.

Me: Wait, you noticed him three hours ago but didn't call until now?

TNP: Well, it didn't concern me until he hid in my closet and wouldn't come out.

Me: [I am scanning my mental data base for how this can possibly be a sane RP because, he sounded so normal!!!!] Well..... Did you have a party at your house? Is that why he has a lampshade on his head? [I've heard people do that at parties, but I know I am really reaching at this point.]

TNP: (Laughing genially) Oh no, my dear, he just showed up with some lady.

ME: Wait, there is a lady there too?

TNP: Yes, she is around here somewhere. I think she came in through the walls. Why don't you go ahead and send out an officer.

ME: Yeah, why don't I....

And I am thinking how on earth do I dispatch this? I need to be concise, but also make it clear this guy is cuckoo for coco puffs. And how do I label it? "Suspicious Circs" ? "Welfare Check" ? I finally settled on "5150" because as normal as he sounded--- he wasn't.

Now what do I say on the air? Note to self: Next time do not attempt to wing it.

ME: Unit Paul 19 with Paul 2 for cover 5150 at --------------- address. Rp says there is a man hiding in his closet......[huge open mic'd pause] he has a lampshade on his head...........He didn't have a party at his house" [Why on earth did I just say that????]

P19: ..........[huge open mic'd pause]........Okaaaay......

So the units arrive, talk with the subject for a while. Sgt. Kevin, shows up, the Sgt. clears the call, the units go code 4, and then the Sgt. comes into dispatch giggling. Yes, giggling.

Sgt. Kevin: (Snicker, giggle, snicker)

ME: Whaaat?????? Was he nuts? He sounded normal? Was their really a guy in his closet? [I was half expecting there to be, I really was.]

Sam 5: Nope, he was all alone, but I think I'll let Clyde (P19) tell you, all about it if he makes it back in here. I told Mike (P2) don't leave Clyde behind, we are like the military, we never leave a man behind. (Giggle)

And he left dispatch, leaving me to wonder, what on earth...? So eventually the units clear with "Does not meet the criteria" (not a danger to himself or others), and Clyde comes into dispatch. [Side note here. I love Clyde. Not like in an "oooh la la way", just in a, "he's a really nice guy who is good at his job in a young, on fire, arrests everyone who is bad, pulls over anything that moves" kind of way while, still managing to ALWAYS give me bathroom breaks, include me in conversations, tell me how calls turn out and get me food if I need it. Love him. ] So Clyde comes in and I kid you not, he looks shell shocked.

ME: Weeeeeeeelllll??????? Was he nuts?????

Clyde: Oh yeah. In a normal sounding kind of way. How do I put this?.... He was a gay, psychologist and, um, amateur photographer, who was totally crazy.

ME: Oh. Wait, he was a psychologist? For real?

Clyde: Yup.

ME: What do you mean by the photographer part?

Clyde: (Looking a bit uncomfortable) Well, in his house he had every wall lined with pictures of naked men. Well, not all of them were naked, this one really big black guy sitting in an oak tree had on a pink thong.....

ME: Wow... Was he on drugs or something?

Clyde: Oh, he'd taken something... Viagra... And you could tell.

ME: Ewwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!

Clyde: Yeah.

Clyde turned and walked slowly out of dispatch. I don't think the poor guy will ever be the same. A piece of his innocence died that day...


Flash forward like two hours later.

TNP: Hello. I need you to send out the officers again, that guy and the woman are back. I know your officers thought I was crazy, but I am not. I need them to tell them to stop moving my stuff around and ask them to leave. They aren't in the house anymore, though. Now they are in the Oak tree in the back.
[I'm guessing asking him, "The same oak tree you photographed a big guy in a thong in?" would be inappropriate.] So instead,

ME: OK......Is he still wearing the lampshade? [Why did I say that????]

TNP: (Laughing kindly) Oh no, not anymore.

ME: Paul 19 and Paul 2 recall on the 5150 at ---------. He says the man and woman are back from earlier, but this time they are in the Oak tree out back.......He isn't wearing the lampshade anymore. [Rebecca, what did I say about not winging it?????]

Paul 2/Mike: Was there a pink elephant? [Mike can get away with anything on the air, he has the second most seniority and only has 13 months, 2 weeks and 3 days left, not that he is counting.]

ME: Affirm, also in the Oak tree. [I can't believe I said that on the air!]

I had no idea what they could do for this guy but, if nothing else they needed to stop him from getting into a cycle where he'd keep calling and calling. So the officers went back out. This time, not only did the originating officers go out, as is procedure, every, single officer on the shift decided to go out and watch the show. Officers all went on scene, called out a code 4, spent about 15 minutes total there and cleared. Clyde cleared with, "Still does not meet the criteria enroute to the station for decon." So I was thinking, it was a whole lotta nothing, and thought that was the end of it. It was time to go home, end of shift, so I was mentally on to other things. Also at the time, I didn't know "decon" meant "decontamination." Then I got a MDT message from Clyde:

DO NOT GO HOME I HAVE TO TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED!!!!!!!!

So, I eagerly waited for him to come back in. But first, every other officer who'd been there came through dispatch laughing, and telling me I had to wait for Clyde to tell me what happened. So Clyde walks into dispatch, walks right by me into the restroom, and proceeds to wash his hands for like 5 minutes. I can here him just scrubbing away in there. Oh man, I think, this can't be good.

Clyde: [Comes out of the bathroom with the antibacterial dispenser, just pouring it on.] Yeah, that was gross. So we go back to his house, and before having him sit down on his couch, using good officer safety, I checked the couch for weapons.

ME: Oh no. [Imagining some strange "toy" being pulled out of the cushions]

Clyde: So I pick up a towel, luckily by the edges, to check around the couch and the guy says, 'Oh don't mind that, I just was using it for my masturbation session'

ME: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Poor Clyde, not only had his innocence died earlier that evening, not only had he probably been called back out by the nutty professor just to be eye candy, and not only did he have a nasty experience while being safe, on top of all that, the other officers would just not let him live it down! Poor Clyde. Maybe he can borrow the lampshade from that other guy to hide his shame....

Geeeez! Grow Up!

Geez, honestly I sometimes think people are incapable of acting and thinking intelligently, without outside assistance. This guy and girl got into a verbal 415. In an act of defiance, the female locked their baby in the vehicle. What that was supposed to prove, I am not sure. Anyway we go out, play a game of He said She said, and in the end dole out copious amounts of advice, that will go unheeded. From what I gathered She had His tools, and He wants them back now that they are no longer together. Officer C told them to exchange them amicably when they are both able to at a neutral location. So just now, He calls me and says, "I am outside your police station, waiting for Her to bring me my tools, is that OK?" I answered, "Um, yeah, unless Officer C told you to not have contact." "No," He says, "I just wanted to let you know what was going on." OK. I hang up. No more than a minute passes and She calls. "I am on my way over to your police station, to return some tools to the father of my daughter." (Argh! I hate this "Baby's Mama" thing our present culture has going right now. You had sex with this person, at one point you maybe even liked them, so stop acting like you barely had any kind of relationship with them. Total pet peeve of mine.) I digress, so I say, "Okaaaaay...." and She says, "So is that OK?" and I tell Her the same thing I told Him, but what I want to say is, "The two of You need to grow the heck up! Who told you, the police department needed to be advised of your every move???" But of course, I kept my thoughts to myself. I really can't stand this kind of call, but we get it all the time. I don't like it when citizens, try to use the police department like this. If there is a history of domestic violence, that is different; we are here to provide a civil standby for custody exchanges, etc., for your safety, but mitigating your every move, and playing referee is not in the job description. Sigh. Stepping down from soap box now.

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm......(Click Here)

Thanks Mike, for awarding me this, how cool!!!!!! OK, so how this works is, after being "tagged" with this award, I must now give the award to five other blogs I feel deserve it. (I added the rules at the bottom.) Here goes:

Brent at Law and Disorder---Brent takes the time from his busy schedule to write great posts about his job as a detective, his family and current events. He takes the time to comment and he updates regularly.

Jason at Wight Wing Wadical-Jason's blog(s) more than any other I have ever seen, not only give the reader a massive amount of information to process, but also an unapologetic opinion on the way he believes things are/should be.

PJ at Being There--Not only is PJ a dispatcher, he takes the time to honor heroes from this war, with in depth entries that give information and tributes to those who deserve it.

Ron at Tis Gar Plen---I don't even know how to describe his blog....Being a ex-cop, current geek, he covers all kinds of topics. You'll just have to check him out for yourselves!



The original Thinking Blog's rules. The following is taken directly from his site, and it is where it all began:

Congratulations, you won a Thinking Blogger Award! Should you choose to participate, please make sure you pass this list of rules to the blogs you are tagging. I thought it would be appropriate to include them.The participation rules are simple:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think,

2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme,

3. Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote.

That was that! Please, remember to tag blogs with real merits, i.e. relative content, and above all - blogs that really get you thinking!

Open Mouth Insert....Shoe

So I am chatting with Officer B and the phone rings

Me: Hello Wonderful PD, how can I help you?

Caller: I need help, I lost my shoe.

Me: I'm sorry? You lost your.....

Caller: My shoe, on the freeway, in your city.

Me: OK....well all calls for service on the freeway are handled by the Highway Patrol, so let me get you their number. It's ----------------.

Caller: Great, I will call them, I also need the number for those guys who work on the freeway in those orange vests. You see, my shoe was lost on the freeway and it was very expensive, but now I only have one shoe, and I want the other one back.

Me: Well the guys in the orange vests are probably CalTrans...Or prisoners...Let's just go with CalTrans. Their number is ------------------.

Caller: Oh good, I really want my shoe back, it is very expensive and it is somewhere on the freeway. I lost it their a week ago.

Me: Ok, well if anyone can help you it will be one of the numbers I gave you.

Caller: Thank you so much. Bye!

Wow, that must have been some shoe!

I Felt Like a Peeping Tom.....

I am sorry if this entry looks all smooshed together. Every time I tried to spread it out and make it look more readable it just jammed it all back together again. Oh well.....

So, we are getting a new CAD system called RIMs. Anyone else have this system? I like it. It is very user friendly.

So, today we are still using the old system (Alliance) but I can bring up the training screen for RIMs. Turns out the officers are also using it, though from upstairs, practicing the various commands. While they were practicing entering commands and status updates, they must make up information about their pretend calls and pretend status changes. As I was practicing my own stuff, I glanced up and began reading what the officers wrote, and let's say it kept me VERY entertained! Here are some of the good ones: (But first a disclaimer for readers not in law enforcement: If you are reading this, please know our officers are normally very professional, and these comments were made to make each other laugh and to blow off steam. No citizens were harmed in the making of this post.)

The following were entered as notes as to where the unit was/what they were doing:

MEAL. GETTING DRUNK.

LUNCH. BECAUSE I DESERVE IT

COURT. GOING.

MEAL. I'M HUNGRY

COURT. HE'S GOING DOWN!!!!!

10-6 (busy) AT OFFICER M--'S GIRLFRIEND'S HOUSE

10-6. NOT PAYING ATTENTION

10-6. I AM SO LOST

BUSY. WITH BEAT WIFE.

CODE 7. AT THE BAR

WORKING ON REPORTS FOR OFFICER "L" AGAIN

10-6. ADMIN. IA FOR OFFICER "S"

COURT. LISTENING TO THE TWINS. (????)

WITH PRISONER. DOING CIVIL RIGHTS VIOLATIONS

ADMIN. IN TROUBLE. AGAIN

CODE 7. 4TH MEAL

CODE 4. ON SCENE. WAKE ME IN AN HOUR

10-6. SLEEPING.ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

10-8 (available) THERE ARE TOO MANY COPS HERE

The following are pretend documentation notes on call logs:

*Suspect's shirt looks like Detective Don's

*J's gathering at the local bar for a taste test

And notes to each other:

*We have a new "GREAT" instructor. He is creepy looking.

*Warning KJ (supervisor) may be in the area!!!!

*Testing 123, 123 Mike Check, Mike Check. I got two turntables and a microphone....

Note: (When adding supplies the officer had in his patrol vehicle such as PAZ, Taser, shotgun, etc., ) One officer added: A WINNING DISPOSITION

While I was practicing and using the old system too, I added a real call. Just a duplicate of one I was really working at a place called "Allie's Almonds" It was for a vandalism. Now mind you, our instructor told us, we would be assigned our own units, and no one else is allowed to put their hands on our units. (Of course, I was assigned our Lieutenant's unit call sign and I wasn't about to tell our LT when he came in to practice, to quit touching his own unit...) I digress. My point being, I entered the call, so no one else was supposed to mess with it. I came back to it an hour later, and found these notes added by various officers:

Officer Mike: Pick up a bag of almonds for me please

Officer Don: I like almonds. They have great almonds...a little bit smokey

Officer Tony: OFFICER KEN LIKES ALMONDS, HE MAY BE OUR SUSPECT!!!!

OFFICER ROBERT: All the almonds were taken. weapon used was an almond knocker.

ME: GUYS, THIS IS NUTS!

When they found out, I had been "spying" they were a bit embarassed! Then I think a little proud when I said they were very funny.

I realize that this whole post may be one of those "You had to be there...." but I still wanted to share it.

Ok, that is just about it. Last one; my absolute favorite of all the silly comments, was a note added to a minor injury accident:

"Pushed the car into (neighboring city). No report needed"

Ah...if only.....

It's Madness, Madness, I Tell You !!!!!!!!!!

This is a conversation Chris and I had one morning last week. It went a little something like this:

Chris: Guess what they are doing at my office this month.

Me: What?

Chris: You know the basketball thing; March Madness?

Me: Yeah.....

Chris: Well the officers decided to have March Mustache Madness

Me: Say what?

Chris: They decided to all grow mustaches this month.

Me: Oooookaaay. Are you going to?

Chris: No they know not to bother asking me to do that [stuff]

Me: Hmmm?

Chris: Beck, they all look like they're gonna be in a gay porn.

Me: Yeah, I bet they do! All I can picture in my head is a bunch of Lt. Dangles from Reno 911 running around.

Chris: Yup, that about covers it.

Me: Wow, can't wait to hear what they do for April.

...And on a Lighter Note

Seriously, doesn't my Grandma Mary, rock? I am sad because she has gone back home, up North. She will return again, ("Lord, willing" as she always says) for the winter season, next year. She is 82 years old, she has great advice and she is not shy about sharing it. She has amazing character, and amazing faith. If there was ever anyone with a red phone straight to God; it's her. (But she can still kick yer butt!)

What I Fear Most

I really don't worry so much about Chris being shot and killed. Yes, I realize it is a very real possibility but it's not what I fear. Chris was in combat in the Marine Corps, and part of me feels like since he got out of that situation physically unscathed, he can handle himself alright if "only" one or a few subjects shoot at him. Probably sounds weird, but it is how I rationalize it, I guess... What I fear is Chris being mowed down by a passing motorist. Here in CA that seems to be happening a lot lately, mostly by drunk drivers like what happened to Chris' friend, Officer Brett Clearman.

Why do I bring this up now? Chris came home this morning and said, "I came so close to becoming a ped spread last night, I quit my job. I really did....For 3 whole minutes, I was unemployed. We were taking an accident report and this sh-- wagon came flying by, lost control and came, literally, within one inch of smearing me across the road. I said, 'f--- this, they don't pay me enough, I quit', and I got in my patrol car. I just sat there. I was serious enough that [my partner] believed me. Then I got out and finished the accident report."

My brilliant reply was, "Ped spread? That's a new one for me. And what's a sh-- wagon?" Turns out he meant a sanitation truck. I just had no words to express how thankful I was he was OK...and still employed.

Just Some Random Stuff...

Well, I wish I had an amazing story of what happened to follow my last rant, er, I mean post. But, I don't. We went to the party, which was fun, talked to some Local PD cops who all said, "Him?????" "He did that?" "That doesn't sound like him at all." And one of them gladly signed off on the ticket without even looking at the truck parked out front. They are going to ask the offending officer, see what's up and get back to us. Chris said to also remind him of officer safety issues. Turns out before the Local Cop knew Chris was PD, he failed to notice the large Glock sitting out in plain view on the front passenger seat... At least if the guy had seen the gun and then stuck his own in Chris' face, Chris could've respected the guy! Oh, that reminds me of a question I would love an answer from all y'all. Which side of the car does the officer approach from at your agency? What about when you, or your officers are on a freeway/in heavy traffic. Also does your agency carry tasers? Or only certain officers specially trained? Or like Chris' agency can your management only cough up enough dough to furnish one lousy taser they all pass around? What about dashboard cameras? Who has them, likes them, uses them? Ok, that was more like 20 questions. Told you in the title of this post: Random. Continuing in that theme, here are some recent fun 911 calls: (Evil Me only answered in my head. I was (mostly) a consumate professional)

Caller: Come quick, there are some teens and they are drinking out of the trunk.

Evil Me: Like the whole trunk is filled with beer and they are using it like a trough? Cool, I'll send someone right out...to take pictures.

------------

Caller: I am at my sister's house and she was broken into.

Me: Someone broke into your sister???? ( I just couldn't resist, that one was too easy.)

------------

Caller (With thick hispanic accent): There were over 10 shots fired, please come quick.

Me: (After asking many questions,) Can you tell what race the suspects are?

Caller: Mexican! They are all Mexican!

Me: How many suspects are there?

Caller: I don't know, it's too dark! It's too far! And there are just so many Mexicans! I think 30! Yes, 30 Mexicans!

(This wasn't hilarious, it was just that I found it funny that this guy was way more upset by the fact that the suspects were Mexican, than that shots were fired. And where did he get the exact number "30"? Strange.

-------------------------

And my last and personal favorite:

Caller: My neighbor, Jane Smith, kicked down my fence!

Me: Did you see her do it, or are you assuming....

Caller: I didn't see her do it but, I have her shoe in evidence!!!!!!!

Me: There are....no .....words.....

Oh No He DIDN'T! ! ! ! !

I was so furious about the following incident I had to calm waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down before I could write about it. I keep this blog clean and I was going to wreak havoc on it dropping no-no 4 letter words. Big deep breath, trying to stay calm, here goes:

After working an extra long shift and driving over an hour just to get home, my husband Chris got pulled over by a Local Town PD officer for having no plates on the truck. Chris stated immediately that he was a cop since he was carrying. The officer lectured Chris, and wanted to know why, since he is a cop, didn't he know better and didn't he know the CA vehicle code about licence plates? Chris explained that there is a local gang that hangs out, outside his police station writing down officer plates and then they attempt to locate the cop's home address. Chris makes a lot of arrests, so he's not too popular with that gang. The cop stares blankly at Chris. The he proceeds to ask Chris, "All right, Christopher, but why don't you have any licence plates on your truck, you should know better." Let me note that at no time did Chris have a bad attitude. Here is a little side plot/sub story. Chris has a right to be a bit short with the Local Town Cop. Not long ago, this same local PD came into my yard while Chris and I were both working nights, and impounded all of my dogs for killing a Chihuahua, that, by the way, had come into our yard. Sad and unfortunate, yes. Dramatic enough for the Local PD Sgt. to comment he had "Never seen any thing so horrible" as the slaughtered dog. Puh-leez! Get out more! A dead dog is the worst a SGT. had ever seen????? That gets me off onto a tangent on how Chris gets into knock down drag'em out fights for his LIFE on a nightly basis, and this is what he comes home to??? Same local PD tried to get Chris in trouble after aforementioned dog incident occurred by filing a complaint against Chris at his job! It's not like Chris killed the Chihuahua for pete's sake! If he did, by all means file a complaint!!!!! This same Local PD issued no apology when they lost one of my dogs during the impound, nor did they pay the vet bills when she was later hit by a car, while out running in traffic--specifically she was running in traffic, because THEY LOST HER. Let me also not get into a diatribe of how when we finally jumped through all of the Local PD's lengthy and ridiculous requirements to get our dogs released ($2000 later), we overheard a lady at the front counter saying ,"But why did they come on our property and take our dogs, for barking?" and heard the officer respond : The police chief in Local Town felt cops should be held to a HIGHER standard than the general public." You can't do that!!! Equal yes, but higher? Absolutely not! OK, I am getting worked up again. Deep breath. I digress, back to this morning:

Chris gave up trying to explain and waited patiently for his ID and paperwork to be returned to him. Chris was then handed his ticket. A TICKET! Not just any ticket but a stupid, minor vehicle code FIX-IT TICKET that means Chris has to jump through a bunch of hoops, track down a Local Town cop for a sign off, go to court etc. All in the middle of his night when if Chris had been a private citizen, who was polite, and on his way home from a grave yard shift about 90% of all cops, certainly 100% of the cops I know, would have given him a verbal warning. If you are a cop or a family member of a cop then you get why I am so pissed off. If you are not, I hope I explained well enough. There are some things you just DO NOT DO!: You don't date your best friend's ex wife, you don't fart loudly during church, you don't go to the doctors office with a cough and announce loudly that you have TB and you definitely don't write another cop a ticket. That's what I call canabalism; like attacking one of your own! It's just wrong. Chris pulled over one of my agencies' guys for going 90 mph. Did he write him a ticket? Of course not. Now some citizens may say this was perfectly fair, but truth is, there are certain unsaid perks to being a PD officer. Big stuff, like felonies? ABSOLUTELY NOT. But tinted windows, minor speeding, broken tail light---you just don't go there. Chris has, and would, still back up a Local PD cop if he was off duty, that is part of the unspoken understanding between cops too. Oh I am all mad again. OOOOOOH!!!! That just chaps my hide. Deep breath.......

But their will be payback. This Sunday. We are going to the party of a cop down the street, a friend and co-worker of Chris', who knows 80% or more of the Local PD guys. And the Local PD guys will be stopping by, both on and off duty. And Chris will have the truck parked outside with the plates on it. And Chris will say loudly in a room full of Local Town PD cops, " Is Officer M---L here? I need him to sign off the ticket he gave me for no licence plates." And Officer M------, whether or not he is there, will be looked down upon and he will be ridiculed....... and it will be beautiful.

I welcome all comments on this one but I really want to hear some cop's opinions, too. Back me up?

24 Beers in a Case, 24 Hours in a Day---Coincidence? I Think Not!

I always find it funny when Chris comes home at 7 in the morning with a six pack and has a couple beers with like, really spicy tacos or a hamburger. I am just waking up and am in "breakfast mode," and he'll hand me the Western Bacon cheeseburger he so thoughtfully picked up for me. That is the life of a graveyard worker; all backwards. When I worked graves, I put tinfoil on the windows or wore a sleep mask. Chris doesn't need any of that. What he does need is for me to stay out of the bedroom, which for some reason, I seem to find impossible. I can plan to stay out, intend to stay out and really want to stay out, but first I gotta shower. And I have to have the door open so I can hear Little Man in his crib, at which time the dogs (all 4) will sneak in; one that farts loudly, another snores like a lumberjack. Then when I am finished I shoo them all out, close the door behind me and remember I have to go back in and brush my teeth. Oops I gotta go back in for my glasses and for some deodorant. Hey, today's laundry day isn't it? He won't mind as long as I do his stuff too. "Little man, psst, Little man, you can't be in here! Your going to wake...." "DAAAAADAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!" " Sorry, Chris, I'll be out in just a second. Dogs, out! Almost finished....[whispering loudly like that helps] Did you want me to wash the cover for your vest and some undershirts?" Chris: "Mmmmph!" "Right, sorry, OK, I'm out of here." Crap I forgot my shoes, I gotta go back in, and I can't find any socks. Got them, I'll just sit on the edge of the bed to put them on real quick. [Look of death from Chris.] "What? I'm just putting my shoes on!" Chris: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE LEAVE!!!!!" "Ok, ok, I really thought I was being quiet, sorry!" Now, repeat that times pretty much every morning and that's our routine. What can I say, I mean to stay out, I really do, but I miss him when he works graves!

Please Standby For Technical Difficulties

You know, I have taken many a phone call for "Explosive Diarrhea" and giggled. Not so funny now that the 5150 household has been struck down by the Rotor Virus. Oh man, it sucks to be us. Well let me clarify, it sucks to be them, cuz I am OK, but it suck for me to change those foul diapers. Looks like Mocha Frapaccinos....Starbucks anyone? Be back soon.

And Now, To Honor (Humor?) My Beloved Husband:

I don't know why he thinks this is so funny but, maybe you too will get as much laughter from it as Chris does.....Sigh.

Now THAT'S What I Want To See!!!!!!!!!

I am at Wonderful PD tonight, (Loving it!) A few of us were (briefly), yakking and Cops came on in the background. We were talking about how it made every night on patrol seem exciting, and why were there never any reports taken? And I was thinking you know how, there are so many episodes of cops that now they have sub-titles, like: "COPS: Tasered" or "COPS: Pursuits." Well, you know what I want to see? Next on Fox:

COPS: REPORT WRITING

Now that would be realistic! They could go from agency to agency for like, 2 minutes segments apiece, and just show cops sitting around with coffee and sunflower seeds, writing reports. The dialogue would be something like this: Cop: "Yeah, we tased a guy earlier tonight. The whole incident was less than two minutes, but now I've got 6 hours of paperwork to write." There could be another one just for "Courtesy Reports" Now that would be a real cop show! Oh, man I totally amuse myself....

That's Amore

Some husbands bring home flowers to their wives... Mine brings home really gruesome/funny/bizarre crime scene photos. This is just how our marrige works. Case in point; when he was in the Marine Corps he brought me home a gas mask, "just in case." I gotta tell you in a weird way I am flattered he thinks of me, and find it quite romantic.

I digress, back to the crime scene photos. Last night a murder suspect tried to stage a homicide as a car accident. After killing a guy, he propped up the body in the driver's seat and crashed the car, somehow. Maybe it would have worked, if he hadn't shot the guy in the head---WITH A .40 Cal!!!! Gee, buddy, think the cops are going to notice the bullet hole and the entire back portion of his head missing??? Needless to say, they caught the bonehead! Til later Homies!

Dontcha Wish Your Grandma Was Cool Like Mine...

C'mon your jealous. Admit it. I would be too, if I didn't have a Grandma as totally awesome as mine. My Grandma Mary was one of the original "Rosie the Rivetors (sp?)" Back in the the WWII era. My grandma can kick your grandma's butt. Sorry to be so rude, but it's true. Man I love that lady.

Too Much Christmas Cheer...

There is always one yahoo, that has too much spiked egg nog, and winds up making a fool of themselves; often with a lampshade or some such object on their head. Here's this years winner. Can you believe it?

Hope everyone out there had a wonderful time!

Merry CHRISTmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!